Reverse Culture Shock ..

My first speech competition won me a trophy at Area Level Toastmasters International Speech Contest. And the speech title was, "Culture shock". I spoke about the shocking culture of Malaysia, more specifically Sarawak. And within few years I had a shock over my own place, I mean, origin of birth.

It has been exactly one month and 5 days since I have arrived Chennai, a slightly longer break than my previous breaks. And my life has a slow pace. And the slow pace has given me ample time to observe and study everything around me.

1.     Men – Most of them are so ungentlemanly. How sad! Perhaps I should recommend the Govt. to provide some sort of awareness programme to teach to be gentlemen. It was two days after I arrived. I was onto my home town with not less than 30 kg of baggage and whatever. I had to miss two buses because I couldn’t transfer the bags! And the bus conductor was so unfriendly and inhumane to think of helping me. Having said that, I have to agree that there are very few good souls still alive and that’s why it is still raining?! A co passenger helped me. 

    It was an over bridge in Nanganallur railway station. An old man of approximately seventy was climbing up the stairs with a brief case in his hand while a young man was climbing down the stairs. They bumped into each other; one has to move in order for the two of them to reach their destinations. The old man was waiting for the young man to move and give some way but the other one was so stubborn and arrogant enough to stand and block the whole stairs creating inconvenience for the rest of the people.  Realizing the waste of time and energy in expecting the young chap to move, the old man managed to get some way and left the place with a weak walk. Where is the empathy? I felt bad.

2.     Married men: What a pity! One particular day, I called four of my friends who are married. And none of them picked up my call or calls.  They called me after a while. They explained the reason why they couldn't pick up the call. Very unreliable. What are they afraid of?  Good, they are neither my college mates nor my child hood friends. Anu akka, Mitch and I had a good laugh. 

3.     The system:  Three days back in Chrompet, Akshay and I was waiting at city railway station ticket counter.  And the queue was long that it started from the counter and to the stairs. The ladies in the counter took their own time to change duties and one of them started chanting some mantras before she started issuing the tickets while the passengers were creating unrest. Knowing the increasing population of the City, why can't the govt open few more counters at least at the peak hours? With this system we learn an important virtue – Patience. Otherwise, we lose a lot of things the way I do. Who has the time to waste?

I went to Education Department to collect hall ticket for my niece. The officer pretended to be busy looking at his file ignoring my niece’s query. He answered her briefly looking at his file.  And I was losing my patience. I asked him and he had no choice but to answer me. Are they not paid? And where have they lost their smile? I am pretty sure that the Govt is giving them a lot of perks and allowances. The bank staff at CIMB had a badge "Serve with smile". Another officer whom we met on the same day was busy taking over the phone about his personal trip that they were planning. And this time, Nandhu, my niece lost her patience. She asked me, "Ma, are you not going to tell him to put the phone down and attend to us? if you are not then I will" We were attended shortly. The officer did not even say sorry. Manners?

It was Indian Bank, Kollidam Branch. My sister and I reached the bank around 11.30 in the morning in order to wind up the pension process of my dad. I started explain to the senior officer and with a grim face he answered, "Oh, you should come after 3.00 in the afternoon. Now we are busy with transaction and attending to customers”. Without a second of hesitation, I replied him that we would be back around 3.00 pm collecting the papers from the officer. Unexpected of my reaction, he cooled down a bit and said, "Oh wait, ma'm. Don't be upset, we are here to help you..blaw ..blaw..and blaw with a slight smile on his face. "My sister later told me that the officer might have expected me to request him with a pleading tone. And the officer looked at me irritantly when I acknowledged him for something with a double syllable Oh oh. Lolz..I realized I am in India. 

One morning, I called a notary public to get his appointment since I wanted some documents signed. While I was explaining to him on the phone, he cut short the conversation with a line, "come to my office". My cousin took me to his office only to find out that the lawyer has to go another office to sign which could be done only in the evening and we came back home in the hot weather. Up and down 35 kilometres in the bike exposed to the hot sun made me sick with fever the same evening. Can I not sue the lawyer for not listening to me properly to what I was saying on the phone? 

4.     The weather: It is hot. When I used to say Malaysia was hot, I was countered with a question, “Is it not India hot either?” I defended India so much.  It’s not just the heat. The hot weather comes with a package. The heat, dust, dirt and the sweat.  Alost all the places are congested. I cancelled my plans few days. (the brighter side - watched few nice movies at home) And most important of all is buying books.  I was sick with fever and other sorts of discomforts. My friend who is in Kuching commented that I needed to reacclimatize. Oh man!

5.     On a positive note:  It has been almost seven years since I travelled in local buses, all these trips, I always took cabs are autos and once in a while train. For one good reason;  my dad. Now....well. I changed to bus with a rare auto or car ride. Some of the city buses have been upgraded. The ticketing system has been changed, the conductors have a small device and they print ticket. Most of the buses are in good condition, some even remind me travelling in KL, not Kuching, Not bad. I forgot lot of routes and the fares. Some passengers are too good to believe, they helped me with seats, tickets and routes. I lost touch with base. I lost balance in the bus. My nephew was making fun of me that I don’t know how to travel by bus and since then he is taking me in his bike, Suzuki.

6.     Life Style: A considerable Americanization.  Dress code, eateries, cars, electronic gadgets, shopping malls, lifestyles and whatnots.  A lot of partying. Eat and be merry. Who cares, its my life kind of attitude. There seems to be a double layer of life. Well, may be multilayer. Life known and unknown. Dark and bright side of a person, family. I should stop here. There is one important aspect of Americanization is missing; mentality. Open mindedness or broad mindedness. Cleanliness, civic discipline, system, manners and all sorts of etiquettes need to be to be followed too. How convenient we are! We filter out the things that we want. The mentality doesn’t match the outfit. There are exceptions, not to forget and not to deny. The gap is too wide to balance. My friend told me that call centers and Multinational companies are the causes for this influence. Well, this is globalization.

When I make a comment about all these, I was told, rather, I was reminded with a laugh “Don’t forget that you are born and brought up here”. I replied them with the same laugh, “So what?" 

A Gift- The unbearable lightness of Being...

Buying books as gifts is my habit. However, gifting books to all the friends is not always possible.  And it has been a long time since anyone gifted me with one except the one from Marion for my winding up. And all my books carry either my handwriting or my dad's with the name and the date at times the place I purchase.

And three evenings back, for a change, some one presented me with a book signed. My happiness was immense for more than one reason.  "The unbearable lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera. Could it be unbearable when it is light?  In a way, it is. A paradox. Well, life is a paradox in  more than one sense.  "...to think that recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum! What does this mad myth signify?" A Line in the opening para.

It has been few months since I read anything solid. And I should start now with Milen Kundera followed by few more.

Someone asked me why I read. I wanted to ask him back why he is breathing, but I refrained.

On totally different note:  I like the page marker that I took it from The Borders, KL. The wait is Almost over. 

Cry Baby, Cry !

My sisters call me Iron hearted.  I am a "so what?" person. When you watch Tamil movies, you may need a lot of tissues. Sentiments scatterings with rare exceptions. I used to smile at people when they shed tears while watching movies. I was not mean. It has been few years since I watched any Tamil movie.

I received a text “I wanna cry”. I didn't reply. 

Years back, my sister was forcing my little niece to shed tears. She was not mean either. Her point was, if you cry make sure there is tears. However, crying has different magnitudes. It not necessarily means shedding tears. But in most cases, yes. It is a psychological outburst. Outburst of  bottled up emotions. And it is a clear sign of helplessness and inability. You want to do every bit of the something which is bothering you, but you are utterly helpless to do anything.  Inability to do anything.  Anything.  Any single thing. 

Is it ok to cry?

Lot of magazines and talk shows are encouraging people to cry as a therapy, as a relief mechanism.  The belief is it lightens the heart. It may. Personal feelings are staged. And there seems to be no regrets about that. It's another, rather, easier way of getting popular. Well, you are with Oprah, and why not? 

A student of mine used to come to class with puffy eyes and swollen face, almost daily. It was two years before. She said crying every night helps her to distress.  Pathetic. I spoke to her later. 

I was taught not to cry. Osho says it is wrong to teach people not to cry. When you suppress your feelings and emotions, it accumulates bitterness, resentment and sadness. Sadness develops a hollow(not of enlightenment like Budha) around you and drives people away from you. True. However, you can't be crying and letting things out often, can you? Well, take things as they are and accept. Law of acceptance. Shan's advocacy. Yes, you should learn to gulp, swallow things. It makes you stronger. I am not telling you stop doing what you think is your birthright . We all, ALL, including men,cry at different stages of life for different reasons that define the stages, and  the moments of our lives. We cry when we are emotional.  We cry when our emotions are unstable. Attaining emotional equilibrium at all times is a question mark. It is a saintly thing. I am not one, yet. 

The world is mean and cold.  People are ungrateful. Friends are untrustworthy. So what? The world is not coming to end? At least not yours. You be who you are. That defines you and differentiates you from others. 

You still wanna cry? Cry. Its your tears. 

Hope ???

I am in a slightly philosophical mode. Sort of upset. Upset with people. Susan's observation is correct. Well, life revolves around people. If you press the remove button from people, you will find a big hole. Or rather emptiness. The world will come to a stand still. 

I only remember what my colleague asked me few weeks back, "Sentha, Have you ever thought what is the purpose of life?"  "Am I not asking myself for a long time over and over the same question?" the question run through my mind. But I smiled at him. That's all I could do realizing the magnitude of the question. If at all I said something, it would probably be blind leading another blind. I didn't want to do the mistake. 

Life unfolds itself with hope. Thats what Pan commented on my Facebook. Yeah. We go to bed hoping we would wake up next morning. No doubt. We book tickets few months ahead (except people like me) to go wherever we plan to travel hoping that we would be still alive. We plan to study whatever we want to study and we dream to build empires hoping everything would be fine all through our life.  Hope has two sides- also Pan said. Chances are there that we won't wake up next morning in spite of the fact that we have been waking up everyday and in spite of the hope that we would wake up the next day.  We  might not be able to travel and we might not be able to build empires. Probability theory. You toss the coin in hope.  You will know only when the coin touches the ground. Pure luck. 

Life is a trial and error. We need to learn and relearn. If we learn from the previous mistakes, we would be so perfect in everything we do leaving no doubts and questions behind. During our last Toastmasters meeting, somebody said you have to make mistakes in order to learn. Huh? 

I was surprised when Melvin spoke that life is a roller coaster.  I was wondering if he had lived enough  to speak about it. Age is nothing to do with experience. Who knows what he went through in his life?

Once when I was talking to my friend over phone, he said that you should try again and again even if you get upset or hurt. Why would you want to try when you know trying another time brings disappointment again? Kids toss the coin repeatedly when they are unwilling to see the head. And, there is a childish innocence and childish expectation in everyone of us. Every time we toss the coin, we are hoping to see what we want to see. We hold our breath giving full attention to the coin forgetting things around us. What is wrong in that expectation? Don't we all deserve better things every time or every other time? 

Interestingly enough life unfolds itself with a lot of mystery. As my friend said, it is not a mistake. You are not lucky, that's all. It takes time and maturity to accept the luck or the so called fate and wait for your next toss, if you are still okay to be hurt again...

And me? getting colder.....

A Stranger ...

I feel I am stranger in this place. Nothing belongs to me. Nothing knows me.I am so new. I take a deep breath and look around. Nothing is familiar. I feel I don't belong to this place nor to this people. Perplexed. I am wearing a dress which doesn't suit me. Its neither small nor big. It is just not mine. It is not stitched  for me. The colour, the pattern and the style. It doesn't reflect my sense of taste. But why did I put it on? And why I am wearing this so long?

The place is absurd. Everything in here is absurd. It makes no sense. I fail every time I make sense of everything here. It doesn't offer me anything. I can't find anything. It doesn't treasure any valuables. It is a wild forest. I am walking in the wilderness. I should find my way out. I am lost. I don't understand their language. I don't understand anything they say. I need to find my way out. Why I should take a walk here? Why did I come here? I must change my direction. Or can I not walk at all?

As a matter of fact, all these while I managed to exist: co-exist. Part of me did not exist. Or partially existed. Or selectively existed.  Now, I have a sudden desire to exist. Complete existence. Then  co existence?

I am a strange loner. I can't take the absurdities of life. I don't want to. I don't have to.  It is my choice which is made of free will. And no will is free. For there is no action made of free will. I don't want to be conditioned by absurdities. I dislike to be  circumstanced.  I'd rather be a stranger. It is more than being a survivalist. I don't just want to survive. I want to live. Live to the fullest. And, it is not abnormal.

I don't know if they know me.  I don't know if they want to know me. But I know:  I am a perfect stranger in this place.

I am deprived (Intellectually)!

Three days back I sent a text to two of my friends, "I am intellectually starving".  One of them told me that I should blog. I haven’t done for a month. (And the other one is still in slumber mode!)  I feel a nagging feeling of emptiness in my mind. 

Seven years ago, after few months of my arrival in Kuching, I felt the same. It’s a feeling of suffocation. Suffocation of the mind. Nothing much was of any help; no books, no friends (then), until I met Vasu. A person of high intellect and we belong to the same community: teaching. I breathed. 

Then onwards, once in a while I used to feel the emptiness and suffocation. In a way emptiness and suffocation are extremes. But I felt them at the same time.  I took a long time in getting along with my colleagues and most of them are busy in their own way. Of course, I do talk to one or two of them once in a while. Coincidentally, I became the advisor for my debate club. Though it is a students' club, the club has seen many intellectual students. Perhaps they also wanted a place like that! Birds of the same feather flocked together.  Some of my colleagues are surprised with the way our club is. 

However, exams, holidays and other personal commitments occupy them every once in a while. Now the club is on a break. And STAR Movies, HBO and Cinemax also seem to be working against me. I don’t find any mind blowing movie in the cinemas recently. Well, I was disappointed by Inception. (Another blog on that later)

I was also busy or rather distracted by few other things.  Much of my time was occupied in resolving few important issues at hand leaving no space or energy in the mind to fill up with intellectual thoughts. Hardly any discourse took place!

The only other source where I find my refuge is books: the best reliable companions. Trust me, they never forsake you unless you get a book which is not of your taste. But still, I couldn’t find some books that I have been looking for few months. Borders and MPH disappointed me. When I went to KL last week, due to time constraint, I couldn’t go to Curve (it’s not what you think ;), it’s a book store in KL or to Kinokonia.

Two evenings back, I called my Professor in India and was speaking to him for a while. He is trying to deconstruct Mani Mekalai. He is a professor in Post Modernism, Structuralism and Deconstructivism  and many more.  In learning, he is one of my important sources of inspiration. Talking to him helped me to some extent.

The last mind blowing book that I read was “The unnamed”. Now I am onto another novel, "The Museum of Innocence".  It’s by Nobel Prize Winner Orhan Pamuk. Though it is skill fully written and interestingly enough it is not so much intellectually engaging.  I will be done with the book in few days. 

And what next?

Wait and See...

The most undesired place to wait and see is an ICU. You will understand if you had ever been there waiting at the doorsteps of ICU, for Doctors and nurses to smile at you. Sometimes you feel utterly helpless. And it is not just you, doctors too. You will be stuck not knowing your next move of your life.  Helpless in every sense of its word. I experienced it few times, at a stretch for two to three weeks. It was, indeed, an ordeal by itself.

We wait to see many things to happen in life. Contrary to the feeling it creates, anxiety it brings, uncertainty it holds, it is pretty much has become very common to hear wait and see nowadays. It is a game in political and historical contexts. UN waited too long to interfere Sri Lanka and it interfered after the assassination of Prabhakaran. Last year during a debate competition at University Sabah Malaysia, a team in the Grand Finals debated that the Govt will wait and see for the situation and will not do anything for time being. It was about Kyoto Protocol. And God knows the definition of 'time being'.  A sword hanging over your head. Anything can happen at any time.  Indefinite uncertainty. 

In our personal lives, wait and see approach is psychological. It is more of letting the circumstances to control the issues. It is okay to let it happen once in a while.  (These days, almost everything is OK!) To me, it reflects the indecisiveness of an individual. Indecisiveness in terms of 1) unable to explore and arrive at better options and 2) fear of the failure (not getting the desired results). When you wait to see anything more than the affordable time, the gravity of the matter gets worse or loses its importance. And there is nothing much to wait to see. 


Same goes in business settings. I read somewhere,"you can not work with someone who is slower than you or faster than you" In any case, you won't keep up the pace. It is not a sin to work with some one who is ahead of you. At least, you can consider the person as a motivating factor, if you want.  


Most of the times, managers would love to wait and see at crucial decision making stages. To me, it is a sin. Fear of taking responsibility of their actions. Being accountable to what we do, takes courage. And, courage is one of the desired qualities of a leader.  Play the game and take the risk.  At least you are taking some effort. And you are not loosing anything, if at all any, it is only your job and not your life! 

Having said that, it is also unavoidable at certain circumstances that we may have no choice but to only wait and see. And it is not watchful waiting or nor the kind of 'I am going to watch the world die' as a lyric goes.

In waiting you develop a virtue: Patience.  But being patient for too long is inability. I prefer immediate actions if not instant ones. 


However,  Life seems to be too long to wait, like waiting for Godot. 

I don't know...

I don't know. I really don't know. Well, when I say I don't know some of my friends refuse to trust me. And I don't know why. There are a lot of things I don't know. And at times, I don't want know anything.
Two of my friends have commented that I am fond of  'I don't know' and 'nothing'. Perhaps they are right, I don't know.

Sometimes it happens. You have nothing to say or you don't want to say. And there shouldn't be any reason, it just happens. Like now..I don't know why I am writing this.

At work, 'I don't know' can save your life, I mean, your job, especially if your job is your life. At conflict, it may save your relationship with your friends and loved ones.

I prefer to be a 'I don't know' person. Sort of self imposed ignorance. It really saves my energy than explaining a whole lot of things to some people who knows everything that I say or I mean but pretends to know nothing. I don't know why they have to behave such a way.

There are few things that happen in our life happen without us knowing why they happen. You don't want to act or react in a particular way but you just do. Is that impulse or spontaneity? Its kind of late when you realize.

There is a saying which goes like this; Know everything but pretends to know nothing. Is this right? I don't know.

Unfair of life...

Life is never fair. Unexpected ups and down. Inequalities and imbalances. Ambitions with limitations. Gifts with restrictions. Undoubtedly, life is not fair. Well, Life is as such. With the least exceptions, most of us don't get what we want. We get what we don't want.

The unfair treatment of life. And, when I say life, it is the totality of life and not the bits and pieces of life. If you think, it is work, it is. And if you think it is life, it is. Right from the Omnipresent and down to anyone, everyone is unfair. Or they are selective. When they are selective, they are not totally fair. No absolute fairness as there is no absolute truth.

In every phase, life offers you with a variety of unjustifiable, unreasonable demands and expectations. It also leaves you with unreasonable and unjustifiable means to reach the ends. And those who mind the means don't mind the end, those who mind the end don't mind the means. Incredible! I only remember what my student once asked, "Is there any fairness in this world, Miss Sentha?" Rightly asked. I just smiled.

And the struggle continues. Struggle to reach this and that, struggle to create a balance and never to reach the fairness. In the course of achieving anything in a justifiable manner we find ourselves at the losing end. We lose few things; people, values and principles. A while ago, a friend of mine said, "we will end up losing some people in life at some point in time, so it is okay to lose". He is right. I am bothered about how I loose them more than the fact of losing them. To me, means matters most.

Life is never a fair game. You can't do much about it but to get used with it. "Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing that it is not" as Oscar Wild says.

In the realm of Silence....

It has been a while since my house is filled with silence. Or quietness. Well, when I say my house, it is not just my house alone but also me. It has been a while. We have a new house mate and she happened to be from my own state. We speak the same language, I mean, the language to communicate. So, I have to talk.  Though it is only once a day or twice, I feel that I lost my freedom of not speaking anything at all. Besides, some frequent meetings with people and office work added to the feeling of loss of freedom of silence. How sad?!

Silence - absence of sound(s) or absence of noise(s). Well, there is a great distinction between sound and noise. And is there any place on earth which is filled with absolute silence? I wonder. Few weeks ago, I attended a three day meditation retreat, which I was wanting to do for some time. It was in Matang. The first day, I found it difficult to follow the instruction, "quite please, we are in retreat" and  "maintain silence at all times".  Though maintaining silence was not a problem at all, speaking in a lower voice was undoubtedly hard, considering my teaching profession, at least the first day. At the end of the third day, I discovered that there was not much of difference, for me, to be at home or to be at retreat center, in terms of maintaining silence. I mean, at home, I am almost quite until, except for one or two phone calls or none, sometimes to find my own voice sounds different to me.

In Hindu religion, there is so much emphasize given to abstinence from speech. Hindu scriptures say that Rishies used to meditate without a word uttered. Not just one day or few days, but months or years together. Absolute silence. Every religion has this practice. They all teach us to be quite in order to listen to "inner voice" or in some cases to find, "inner silence" to be in tune with the divine. Well, all the noises that are heard in the head are not inner voices!

However, there is always din in the mind. Though achieving silence can be physiologically successful by some means, achieving the absolute silence of the mind is impossible unless thinking stops occurring.  To quote Osho, "man is imprisoned by words, man's whole problem is language..."  Talking is irresistible to some of us. The rattling sound. I keep my office door mostly closed. Perhaps they have never tasted the bliss of quietude or solitude! Is silencing the mind possible? Well, maybe. When the mind goes from conscious level  to unconscious level. Total blankness of the mind. I have experienced it very few times. An incomparable and preeminent feeling.

I am not a person who indulges myself in talking. I prefer to be quiet, or silent.  And that's the reason I have left with only very few friends. I can switch off TV, and internet or any thing that makes noise when I just want to be myself. I remember, once I traveled with a friend in a bus in Trichy, and we did not talk to each other during our travel and the highlight was we realized that after we got down from the bus. Well, we both understood and appreciated each other's understanding. And, just two days back, I was joined by the new house mate for my late night walk.  We were talking, I fell into a deep silence without my knowledge few times with few occasional "mm, mhms", and she came back to her room while I continued my walking.  It so happens that after some point in our life, talking is not so much necessary.  And communication can still take place through silence.

There is noise all around. In all forms. To be quite, to be still, or to be silent, all the activities should be stopped including thinking. I know I am talking about the impossibilities.

I came across a review of  book, "The Unwanted Sound of Everything We Want" in which the protagonist tries to find the real silence that he wants. Well, I am yet to read the book. There are two more books on Silence, " Noises off" and "In pursuit of Silence". I should look for the books.

One thing I have realized about silence. It helps me to discover more about me. The more I talk, I feel, the more I am moving away from myself and from the universe.

In silence, I am what I am...

Tired...

Tired. Sudden feeling of tiredness. Everything seems to be still as if someone controls everything. Why would I ever bother about these things? What do they have for me? Experience is not a thing when it is earned wrongly at the cost of my time and my values. There is no debate about it. Because some experiences, struggles are not worth your time. Sometimes you will find yourself in a place where things are not right, and you find that you can't do much about it though you know how to fix it. It just doesn't work. Ridiculous!

How would you feel when you are living a life which is not meant to be the way it is? I just felt like giving up. A friend of mine told me yesterday not to give up until all my options are exhausted. My dear, I am too tired to think of anymore options. I don't mind if you can think for me...

Oh, well. We must be positive. Yeah, the end of the dark tunnel is the light. But, how could you possibly know how long it is going to be to see the light? And what if you collapse on your mission to reach the light? I am naturally a positive person.  Somebody said today that I am a go- getter. To some extent, his observation is right. When I look serious, down and tired, there must be something wrong, seriously wrong. The best thing that you can do is to give me my space. Or give me company for a movie or a dinner. You are doing a great help. Well, though movie and dinner can be anything, the company must be the right one, not to add to the stress. And, talking of movies, we watched Robin hood last night...craziest time that I ever had in Kuching. 


Mental, psychological, spiritual, physical and what not sorts of tiredness. Though those elements seem to be different, they are related to each other. When one is tired, the rest will be so, unless they function on its own or they belong to a different body. 


Who knows how long this will go on? As someone suggested, I could take a break, unfortunately, it will be only from work. 


And, I am too tired to continue this and so I am signing off...

In denial ...

"An unconscious thought process whereby one allays anxiety by refusing to acknowledge the existence of certain unpleasant aspects of external reality or of one's thoughts, feelings,etc." This is dictionary's definition of  the word denial.
"How long have you been staying in the house?"
"I don't know"
"What?"
"Yeah, rather I don't want to know",
I was surprised with the above. That was between my colleague and me. He justified. My curiosity grew.
"Ok, how long have you been working here?"
"I don't know"
"Oh Ok" Though it was an expected answer, I was surprised again, because I know the way he considers his profession. Well, "I don't want to know". "Why?" "Oh well, you know the ..." "then you shouldn't be here in the first place!" I cut him off. I was too frank. We laughed with the truth. Truth of the statements and  the truth behind his reason.

"Do you know how old are you?" "Well, unfortunately, yes"...interesting. Interesting to know the nature of our mind. And its convenient use of accepting and rejecting facts.

Denial - A defense mechanism coined by Sigmund Freud, was originally intended to refer serious medical conditions or as fatal as death. As language is never static, the meaning of denial has transformed and  is being used loosely, too loosely, I would say.

You are fat, you are dark, and you are less attractive. But how could you be? You supposed to be slim, fair and beautiful and attractive, aren't you?! You love someone so dear, but you don't want anyone know about either you being in love or about the person that you are in love with? But why not? You are working in a place in which you are stressed, but you don't want be there. You can neither accept the fact that you are still there nor reject the fact that you still have to work! Isn't it sad?

Well, the list could go on to pages. But why do we have to deny a fact? Fear of facing the reality? Unless the reality is too harsh!

I think, we are consciously training our mind to be unconscious to forget, to reject and to deny certain inconvenient truths of our life.

A trained mind would accept anything that comes across, however harsh it is! Or rather it should. A trained mind is a matured mind.

And in denial, the maturity is denied.

How old are you?

Yeah, it is an old adage. You shouldn't ask a lady about her age and a man his salary.  But still they do. Wanting to know more than they are supposed to know.  Well. A friend of mine asked me how old I am. I replied him with a question; which one you mean?

There was obviously silence for a moment and asked me back, 'what do you mean?' Sign of clear confusion. I explained.

Body, mind and soul and which one are you referring to? I gave each one different age and told my friend to take an average.  He was surprised and said, he liked the way I answered.

Following this, it was our Critical Thinking class and we were discussing about eliminating fallacies when decision making. It was about consumer behaviour and whether or not age influences buying certain products.  One group defended by supporting even retired ladies would like to have a fashionable handbag and put on make ups in order to look young and the other group said young girls are carrying relatively bigger handbags these days and age doesn't matter but the trend. Well, two things from the discussion. First, when retired, or rather old, ladies or men try to look young, as some of you think, it is not abnormal but they are in mid age crises. This crisis affects almost all people at one point in time and the age differs from individual to individual.  Second, I also notice that young college students carry relatively bigger handbags and technically the size of a travel bag, to quote a student from my MGT class.  And the conclusion is age does matter in determining the purchasing behaviour. And we drew instances from real life and a student of mine asked me how old I am. I repeated the same I did with my friend but with a change. My soul is ageless.  In this case, the game of average doesn't work. My student replied with a smile, "Miss, you are very very young, considering your thoughts". Here you go!

Well, why are we so obsessed with age? How many skin care manufacturing companies in the world are making money out of our ignorance? How many local and international brands are competing with one another? Of course, looking good leads to feeling good. Both are very essential.  But still?  I just happened to look at someone relatively closer and I noticed few layers of campact powder on the face. Every hour an aditional coat! I really tried hard to hide my laughter. A mirror and a compact powder overtook a dictionary or some job related essential items in the workplace. Also, a plate full of ice cubes for the face to refresh and rejuvenate the cells! My Goodness!

Coming back to the body, mind and soul matter, yesterday I attended a business presentation and was enlightened by something. Our body has two different ages. How come?!

One  is biological or calender or chronological age and the other one is gene age or the age of your gene. Well, there is research. It says some people look younger compared to their real age and vice versa and the determining factor here is: the gene.

Now, there is a new industry tapping into the technology; by turning the gene to look young. Its more of going to the roots and fixing it than the surface, the face. (No big secret, eat lot of Vitamin C, by the by, have you ever wondered why only vitamin C makes you fairer?)  Well, as usual, this may be welcomed as this era is crazier than ever in investing our resources in looking young or younger than supposed to be or needed to be.

Well, if someone asks you about your age, ask them back, which one are you referring to and tell them genetically you are younger; at least it might make you feel good. And forget about mind and soul, who cares for them, anyways?

And, keep the craziness justified...

Thinking aloud!

You are surprised? I was. When Suzanna came to my defense. Read aloud, talk aloud, what is this think aloud?  It was one of our open days. I didn't realize that I said I was hungry few times, aloud, until Mr Tay pointed out. Or, rather, he complained that I was self proclaiming. She said, "No Mr Tay, Sentha is thinking aloud!".

Though overtime on weekends is unlikely, sometimes it helps you with a better environment to know your colleagues, on a lighter note, more on  a personal note. So, get the best out of it, stop complaining. :)

I have a habit. I think aloud. Sometimes.  Or Depends. I didn't realize that it was thinking aloud until Suzanna identified it. We laughed at the new terminology. Later I checked online, yeah, there is a technique 'think aloud'.

It is very psychological. Its like talking to yourself. But aloud. Imagine this; you are in a place, you have friends around you and you are telling them you are hungry, you are bored and so on. Your saying is the outcome of your thinking. Or, your saying is the next step of your thinking. When you think, you have two options; option 1) Say it out if there is somebody to listen to you, 2) Keep it with you, even if there is someone to listen to you, in which you are being non expressive.

Upon option 1, you still say things aloud, but there is nobody to listen to you. In this case, who are you talking to? to yourself? or to the wall? or to whatever is there around you? Are you not talking to yourself, but aloud?

Researches say that when thinking aloud happens verbalizing tend to be slower due to the cognitive process which takes place in the brain. But, I don't think so. Well, we have the liberty to deny the theories. But again, it depends on the culture. I know, I have some friends from a neighboring country have this issue except for few. I used to really wonder at the amount of  time they take to process something before they speak.  Like, transmitting waves to the brain and then get it out. Sorry, I have no patience for them! I am pretty fast. I have a multi layer mind. Its not a big deal, visualize. You can get it!

To some extent, I interpret,  all the wall posts on Facebook are think alouds!

The Unnamed

Not long ago, after one of my walks, I was wondering, as I always do, if there could be any book on walking.

Call it a coincidence or more than a coincidence or name it by any, the next day I read a review of a novel on Newsweek.com. The novel is "The Unnamed" by Joshua Ferris.

After waiting for one whole month, I bought it in MPH, Kuching. Just done with the book. Tim, the protagonist, a lawyer, who has a partnership in a law firm, takes walks at the middle of his work, unpredictably, completely uncontrolled by himself, but by the "other". The novel is about him and the other. And the constant war between the two. The war is about mind over the body or otherwise.

Though it reminds me of "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy, it differs in a great amount.  One commonality is the walk. The protoganist in The Road walks too, or to be specific, takes to the road, consciously. On a mission. It is a conscious act.  Whereas, in "The Unnamed", it was an uncontrolled act. Or should I say it is an unconscious act?

He tries his every bit to control the other. Takes medication, gets himself experimented with new technology,  gets him tied up with the bed. There are recessions in the walks. And few remissions. His returns to normality of life is only a for short time. All of a sudden, the disappearance followed with his backpack and his boots. Totally random! Eventually Jane and their daughter Becca are used with the sudden disappearance.

He is diagnosed with brain fog, and few unnamed disorders. He loses his fingers, his toes, develops all sorts sickness. His wife, Jane, was patient and loving enough to take him, and the other, as devoted, as patient as she could possibly be, takes all the stress. Whenever he finds himself lost in finding the direction, whenever he lost his mind and energy to walk back home, she goes pick him up, from wherever he is.  .

In the beginning, he dislikes the walks. He is afraid of the walks. It is an act thrust upon him.  By  the other. After a while it goes out of control, it seems, as if he is used with the walk.  Almost towards the end, he was lost with but desperation. In  a way, he allowed himself to be controlled. Here comes the art of allowing. How  good it is to allow oneself to be controlled by the any situation or circumstance? And for how long? (will be another blog soon on this)

Joshua takes us across America. Tim walks, walks, all over America, as if searching for something. Perhaps, yes. Searching for the real he. Is he (it) soul, mind, brain, or body? or all?

Can soul, brain, mind, body be one? Or many?  If the other (soul) is the embodiment of the mind, and mind is the abstract reflection of the brain, and brain is the particles, neurons and cells (body), then, it is one.(Monism). If soul and body (brain, mind) are misaligned, then they are many. (Dualism) The eternal quest of Tim.  The manifestation of one over the other.

The setting of the novel is very American Corporate Culture.  The language use is also contemporary corporate executives style.  Interesting.  No complex compound sentences. Mostly simple sentences with complex thoughts!

Ever since, Tim starts his first walk, I visualized an image, a tall, bit skinny, bit hunch, with glasses, but a strong figure. My visualization of the character could be the effect of Denzel Washington in The Book of Eli. But Denzel has a broad frame.

Almost towards the end; I was thinking, this could be produced into a movie. Who knows! And Denzel Washington will be the best choice for Tim. Not because I like him. But he will fit in a simple but complex character like this. In Tamil; perhaps, Kamal Hasan. Perfect to feed his hunger for challenging roles. The movie should have the combination of narration and conversations(is there any technical name for this?), as in Elegy, The Reader, and some other movies. (How I wish I could produce the movie!)

In future, there will be hundreds and hundreds of thesis on this novel;  The symbols (the Preacher - Tim's Conscience, his walks - family irresponsibility of American men/ younger generation) The character analysis and so on.

Perhaps the best book among my recent reads. Mind blowing and a heavy read. The thought pattern of the writer is amazing. Dr Noel told me that I should consider translating this in Tamil. Perhaps, I should.

Mind you, if you are not so much into philosophy or psychology, you might not find it interesting.
Some interesting lines from the book:
"Allow myself to hope again, when it's really only another opportunity to be disappointed?"
"but the cops didn't care for honest answers"
"vanity was a luxury of those exempt from the compromises of a long illness"
"her life was stripped down to the simplicity of self survival"
"risk it all for the sake of risk itself"
"he was trapped again in the next step, next step and next step"
"Intelligence has its limits. Knowledge cannot determine in its entirety the measure of man' soul"
" The world is too old. The soul is the mind is the brain is the body. I am you and you are it and it will always win" (the highlight)
" to be lost in writing was to be absorbed and to be absorbed was to lose awareness of everything"
(well, it is impossible to write the whole book) 

"I have learnt that I am me, that I can do the things that, as one might put it, me can do, but I cannot do the things that me would like to do." Agatha Christie (1890-1976)

The above quote was on my blog this morning, and I found that this has some connection to the core of the novel; the self and the other. Or perhaps I interpreted?

In control..

It is a recurrence. In this year.  It shouldn't happen. Or, I shouldn't let it happen. Be in control. I am not the only person on earth to face such difficulty.  There are many more.Like me, they just keep it with themselves. Or not. But I keep it.  I just found out there is another soul facing the same as mine. We both had a good laugh.

I felt bad, I felt embarrased. I was about to feel sorry or I wanted to feel sorry, for myself. Sympathy, self sympathy. Something I dislike. But I didn't. I was in control. After reaching home from our renunion supper last night, I was walking up and down thinking of it. Quite late night walk, but I walked inside the compound to avoid risk at that heavenly hour. And it was drizzling.

I found, my mind was quiet and thinking of what next, and not of whats or whys. Not bad, I told myself. Its a good change. I thought of three persons; my dad, my uncle and the other; there is a commonality in three of them. They are aquarians. It is another theory if all acqurians behave that way. I don't think so. I reacted the same way they would have reacted.  Facing the destiny with out any feeling.  As an observer. Not as a subject, but an object. In control, complete control. You will be surprised. The will power, the strength. Amazing. I could concentrate on my book.

I truly wish this be the last time. Make things fall into place than letting things fall into its own place.

Taking control.

Up in the air...

I know, this will come to an end. I was, truly, excited by the idea though I was skeptical about the whole thing.

I was almost floating in the air. Anything that floats in the air has to fall on the floor one day. Perhaps, the floating time is sometimes too long or unimaginably too short. The premise here is - all the floating things will fall down one day. She is floating. And She will fall on the ground one day. (Deductive argument). The fall was expected. Hence, the injury was light.

But, it is against the will. Not floating. But falling. Can we stop the falling? Oh, how I wish I could! Our mind is so selective. Selective in the causes and the effects. It can generate hundred and thousands of causes but it is unwilling to accept the effects, even one. So childish! Yes, I said childish, because only a child will refuse to accept even the truth of the matter is crystal clear.

Well, we can conveniently say that unwilling to accept is human nature. But not necessarily. If the mind is selective, then, let it select the best possible ones which benefits both ends. By deliberate will, as Shan emphasis. My intuition hinted me that this too will pass, like any other. And, it did!

The floating was short. But it was wonderful. A pleasant distraction with a lasting impression.

And, At least I know I can float and there is a source to make me float!

Falling? It doesn't matter, I can float again.  :)

Its time for my walk, now.....

I am broke...but how could I?

I am broke. Mo laughed when I told him. He asked how I could be? He laughed exactly the same way I laughed at him when he said the same two days back. I can never be broke. He believes. According to him, I will definitely have money at the ATM but may not be in my wallet. My dear Mo, even my ATM is sort of empty.

But why not?

We all are broke at some point in time. There were many times I was broke in the past. But this is different. Actually Mo has a point.

There are some good souls who owe me. But they conveniently forget. How could anyone conveniently forget the things when they owe someone? I really wonder. Unless they don't care. You know what was the answer when I reminded, "Oh I have but I  thought, I can use it for some more time"  I try not to use Zay's favourite phrase; capital  _  _.   It sounds good when he says it!

Frankly speaking this time, I feel lighter, though I missed all sorts of nuts in my oats and at least three types of juices, though I miss the exotic rich side. There is no bugging questions in my mind. Perhaps I allowed myself to pass through this. I am more of myself. I read a lot. I smile a lot. I walk a lot. I am happier. And I am not pretending to be rich, or not broke. As Osho said, no phony image. A friend of mine called me yesterday Ohsini..I like the name!

Now I know how it feels when some students tell me, "Ms Sentha, I am broke" I should empathise with them, and I will.

Chris will be shocked to read this. "Why di Senthu, you write all these things on FB?" Chris, I can imagine your face. Chris was the first person whom I said about this few days back. She was concerned, I think. Mo was the second person, He laughed. And another friend was the third person, he asked a simple 'y'. Same message, different reactions.

I am back to basics, actually there is a great lesson behind this. Accepting. I accepted it without any complains. And I didn't let my ego dominate me.  When ego sleeps, one feels humble. And it is great to be simple. May be that's why I look happier, Chris?

Mostly, I end up situation like this when I lend money. So here are some golden rules that you may consider before lending to anyone.

• Just check if the person is really in need of  money when he or she asks you. If he can survive for one or two days without borrowing, let him. I am not telling you to be mean. 
• Know the person before you lend. The philosophical idea of "giving unconditionally" doesn't work here. Philosophy won't help you when you are hungry. Worse case, you may come up with your philosophy, that's all.
• Don't, DON'T, lend money to the same kind of people, if you know their repaying habits, please. I made this mistake few times. We have a great saying in Tamil, "Pathiram arinthu pichaiiddu". You need to know the vessel or the bowl before you put food in it. (sorry for the literal translation.)Not everyone is genuine or in desperate need of help.
• Let them learn a lesson about borrowing money. The one thing we can never tarnish our image is in the repaying habits. Of course, you can't stop anyone from borrowing. If then, City bank, HSBC, Standard Chattered and the World Bank may not exist.

Now, this is about the job.

• Mo, definitely has a point. I recalled what my ex colleague from Bangladesh told me. If the job doesn't give you the financial security that you are supposed to get, do something about it. He is back in Bangladesh.

Note:

• I am broke. But not mentally, so no worries.
• I am treating myself with a movie tonight, to compensate. 

And of course, in life, EVERYTHING is temporary. This too shall pass.

Dilemmas and Decisions ...

Its all started with Kutti. This morning, I was chatting with her for a while. In the middle of the conversation, she reminded me of my Ph.D. And doing a Ph.D is a pending item in my "to do" list.

And I never thought choosing the field of study would be this difficult or confusing. I mean, to me. I have my reasons.

The choice is between International Politics and Literature. In life, you can't afford to make a wrong choice even by chance. It may be close to your heart. But it may fail you in other areas. Choosing a Ph.D is a life turning point, I believe. And both have pros and cons which will have strong influence in my future. I didn't have much problem when I took my UG. I wanted to do Law but my dad told me to go for Literature.Also some of my teachers. They knew my interest in English. So I did. Then there had been a smooth transition to next levels. And now hiccups.. I have been contemplating on this for some time. Actually for a long time.

Strangely, last night I mailed my friend in India to give me an advice, I am sure, he is going to go for Literature. This morning I  checked with Kutti and she is all for literature. She is expecting me to be writer. Of course, yes, I will be.Chris is also for Literature. I think, both Kutti and Chirs are concerned about two things;1) literature is the known area unlike the other, and 2) career development and job security in future. Francis is for linguistics.

And later this afternoon, strangely again, I mailed some of my debaters. The first person to reply was AQ. The person behind the idea of this International Politics is him. Followed by Mitch, Tochi and Pan..all for International Politics. Meanwhile, Mo dropped into my office, he is also for the same. He once said that I have an iconic image and I should try Politics. Doesn't it sound good?

Ph.D in literature is not essential in order to be a writer. Same goes with Politics. Wait, will I become one? Don't know. I wanted once. I expressed my interest in politics to my dad few times. He just smiled with a head nod. He was the one who put the seed in my mind. He was a king maker. Surrounded by politics; in some way or other.

I was wondering many times when I was so much pulled into debates. I knew and I realised that I was moving away from my mainstream; literature to world affairs. Everything around me was politics or world affairs. Except for a good amount of reading. Mind you, reading is never enough to do a Ph.D in literature!

My future with Ph.D in literature is somewhat predictable. Lecturer, Professor, and perhaps retire as a VC? Cool. But the other one is totally unpredictable and could be challenging.  Of course, challenges makes the life more interesting.

There is a problem in choosing when you like them equally. Its like loving two of your siblings, two of your children, or even two of your friends. (I didn't say girl friends or otherwise;))  But if you are person of favoritism, sorry..this is not for you..

The brighter side is the possibility of going for both...but one after another. And which one first? Perhaps something close to the heart?

Public Speaking Workshop 2010 - The Star, HSBC and English Speaking Union

http://the star.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2010/3/29/Sarawak/5950680&sec=Sarawak

This is my third year workshop with the Star, HSBC and English Speaking Union. Its organised as an annual event. SEGI College was the venue this year. Last three years it was at INTI. I was told that Star owns SEGI Group.

The format was different, more like reality show such as, 'so you think you can dance'  (now on TV) and 'the American Idol'.

1st day was the audition and the second day was the workshop. The audition was over a bit earlier than planned and I managed to go the International Education Fair to support our booth, though my schedule was over the previous day.

with the two other judges, me the chief..KIV (wait and see ..perhaps the sad thing to do..)

a small section of audience......our booth at the Educational Fair...Kevin is so busy .... 

Bits:
* Ist day I was very early and Second day I was bit late. I only blame the taxi driver.
* Impromtu topics were good.(true love, floods, Choices, Bollywood and more..) We were surprised with the way Joel spoke on flood..he related flood to anything that is overflowing in matter...so debating..he is a debater in school. Bollywood caught everyone's attention- a Chinese speaking on Bollywood with the facts and statistics..it was fun..
* The F & B was good especially the coffee....mhumm....
* The Hall was very small compared to ours.
* The staff at the canteen were friendly (customers service)
* A special vegetarian chicken (sweet and savor) was decorating my table..(so nice of the person)
* Umah, as usual planned everything very well..
* More yellow board - too many KIVs...
* Two of the contestants got red color..sad thing to do..But what to do lah...

Oh..I am done with the workshops one after another and few other events in one month...now shifting my mode...