quietude...

                                                                                                                        03.05.2022 / 4.10 PM

There is quietness in her heart. Or in her mind? Or perhaps, both? 

Yeah, whatever, this quietness engulfed her all over her all of a sudden. This few days' break was much needed one. As usual, the first day, she was busy with her household chores. Followed by the ritualistic prayer and lunch on No moon day (Amavasai), she slept well in the afternoon. The kind of sleep she had was equally most wanted. She failed to recall the last time at peace with herself and her surroundings. Perhaps, last year or much before that. She could faintly remember the time. It was followed by her visit to a doctor. She consulted him for her chronic pain. To her shock, the doctor prescribed her only two medicines, half each..one in the morning and another at night. 

She couldn't comprehend his words. The doctor swept away all her chronic history and complaints and didn't bother to listen to her anymore. He cut her between her talks and said, "you're physically ok, but you have to take care of your mental health". Huh...what...physically ok??? 

How could he make a sweeping judgement? But still, as intuition dictated, she started taking the medicines along with a couple of yoga mudras. Gradually she felt better. Quietness followed her, Quietness filled her space.. But again, after sometime, as the routine started, she felt lost. 

Now, something is happening or something else is happening.  There is pain, chronic pain, physical pain coupled with mental pain.she is not on any medication..but there is calmness. what is happening? 

She can feel the difference. She doesn't talk much..she doesn't think much..so quiet as the deep sea....without turbulances...That doesn't mean she freed herself from issues, pressing problems..she has all of them as she had..in fact, now she has more of them...they are insurmountable. But still, there is calmness..incomprehensible calmness. Despite her efforts to find out the reasons or her surprise, she failed to nail it. She is lost in confusion. Yet, she embraced it wholeheartedly. She even enjoys it. The kind of peace it brings is abundance. She is filled with peace, and she allows the peace to take over her and taking a slow pace of life. The duties and responsibilities stretch over in front of her..but still, she takes control over them. One thing at a time! 

The uncertainties are extended.....the questions are unanswered...the wait is getting longer... she is plagued by deficiencies and crippled with pain...chronic pain.. 

And yet, there is calmness! Let her be filled with engulfed with quietude...for now and ever!

My (google) read...

My reading has taken a back seat for some time now. Reading, as in my kind of reading. I wasn't able to read even few lines from my favourite newspapers. The most painful part is, both papers are online available and have a limited access to articles because they are international papers. The maximum number of articles are only ten as a free read.

Mobile has made the mobility increased reading on the go..I read with my phone these days. So, when I open a page to read, I go on to few other pages to read when I want clarification on something or when my eyes fall on something interesting on the same page.  If the page disappears for any reason, there is a count down in the number of articles.

Because of my busy schedule and God knows what makes me busy, my reading time and quality has decreased alarmingly. I feel guilty and feel the day was wasted without any possible reading. But I don't stop browsing for news or other news stories. So, when I come across an interesting article,  I keep on adding the tabs on google page, at times up to 10 or more with the hope of reading them soon.

I get scoldings for opening too many tabs when I complain of slow process of mobile. But, there is nothing I can do about it. Contrary to my plan, my no- read- mode mind continues for weeks. I changed my strategy of following the pages by either saving them for later read or send them to my mail.

But there is a disadvantage in doing it. The reading does not take place at all. When the mobile is required to be shut down, all the pages go off. Tracing the browsing history and reading is impossible most of the times because of the limited access as I mentioned earlier.

So, this time, I tried very hard and succeeded in making it happen. I managed to read two different articles yesterday and today which I was holding on to for more than ten days at least. Both are about mind. I noticed I developed an inclination towards learning about mind. Mind is a marvellous creation of God!

So it happened this evening, after my nap, with a cup of coffee, I finished reading an article.
Reading after a nap is faster and the mind can absorb information. Unlike the recent days, this afternoon, the mind was calm and composed, perhaps best of it's form.

Three minutes magic...

What can you possibly do in three minutes?
If you can cook noodles in two minutes, you can very well do more than that in three minutes.
The past Sunday, I was on a mission of finding an accommodation.
As I promised the lady that I would be there between ten to eleven, I rushed.
I got into an auto and reached the metro station. Anna Nagar West to keelkatalai bus travel was beyond imagination and the idea of going by metro upto alandur seemed a good option. Passing by Cmbt and vadapalani by road is frightening.

So, I got down from the auto and stepped on to the platform. As I was approaching the lift, I heard the announcement, "the next train to St. Thomas mount arrives in three minutes".
I didn't give much thought about it when entering the lift, but after a couple of seconds, somehow the idea of catching the train got into my head and I started to speed up.

I managed more than what I thought I could do.

So, these are the things that you can do in three minutes...
* You can rush from the elevator, cross the road and walked upto the ticket counter.
* You can bargain with the cashier for change, argue, pretend that's the only two hundred rupees note you have, and eventually get her give you the change
*You can walk upto the security check and scan yourself and your handbag.
* You can recognise the security officer who smiles at your gesture for reaching out to your bags.. while thinking of his sense of humour and his easiness with the passenger and wonder at his ability to relate and read your gesture and urgency.
* You can still reach the platform after collecting the bag, and take a deep breath when looking at the digital board displaying, "the next train reaches in one minute".

So, you can do all the above in two minutes only, precisely.

I wouldn't have been known that I could do  so much had I not tried.  You never know what you are capable of unless you try.

Not too bad, it was worth a try.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is money there is life!

I updated my whatsapp status with the above lines this morning.  I received a reply from my friend denying the status.  I have my reason and I respect her reason to deny. Aren't we all different in our understanding of the world?

Past few days, few weeks, perhaps, few years have been frustrating. Hoping in vain. Hard work, hard work, effort after effort, seem to be failing. Sometimes, you would not know why you work so much. Work without pay does not seem to equate life.  Loving your work, contributing more to the work that you love and to society can be fulfilled only when the basic necessities of life are met. At least, getting bread and butter and other essentials need to be met.

Trust me, in my circle, I am the only one. I wonder what was the grave mistake that caused me so much suffering and what can I do to fix it. I have been on the righteous path, ethically and morally good, responsible to the family and to society etc. As per the premises, if the moral righteousness is correct, I should be leading a struggle free life. But nonetheless, the world is built around different premises. If you are morally correct, you are more liable to be having financially tough life. Ethics and money do not equate with each other. They are different poles but attract few people.

Ever since I remember, I have been struggling to make both ends meet. If there is no progress in our work or in our financial condition, we should watch our behaviour. I follow my heart.  Perhaps, following your heart is not the right thing to do when it does not do any good to you. I help people.. At least, my people. I believe, helping your family is the first or the most important sign of care. Ignoring your family but focusing on the society is a hypocrisy.

But anyways, there is a lesson behind this suffering. To be more careful, to be more calculative. I am very cautious, very careful in every step that I take. I am a new me. I wish I had followed this in my early life. It's too late.

Having less or nothing is equal to dying. Luxury, survival, and living have different connotations in life. If you are unable to make the ends meet, all struggles, wisdom, knowledge and experience loses its meaning.

Trust me, Money can buy you anything.

Reading "Adultery" by Paulo Coelho

Adultery. My colleague was bewildered by looking at the book cover. I expected.  I expected mixed reactions from at least few people. Well I did not take the book to my workplace so it escaped being noticed and I escaped being judged. 

Well, I live in a society which judges everything and everyone by its cover, I mean appearance. Be it a book or a person.  And I am brought up not to care, to be bluntly, not to give a damn about it. Brought up by many things and few people. 

So, I purchased the book approximately 10 months ago, and trust me I didn't have time to read it. Seriously. I mean every sense of its word. I was busy busy and busy. Some revelation happened few days back...sort of waking up from a long slumber. I woke up or my inner self woke up to realise that there are few other things or perhaps many other things that matter in the world than what I was doing. I am sure you know what I mean!

A long slumber gives you the power to forget things and rejuvenates the self and helps you with more meaning in the world. And so it happened to me. After a short but deep nap two days back,  it was a flashing but compulsive thought to read something. While I was in the kitchen getting my coffee, my mind was busy browsing what to read and picked up Paulo Coelho.  One of his books still left unread was "Adultery". 

My introduction to Paulo Coelho was through a Tamil translation of his Zakir. The translation was so good and so smooth. The language (Tamil) and the concept took me to a different level of awareness. I purchased, (I always buy and never borrow even from a library) series of his books, read one after the other. I read them all.

As in the case of his other novels, this also talks about revelation, realisation, discovery and identification of the self. The main character of the novel is a woman, a married woman who is loving and lovable. She leads a wonderful, contented and peaceful life with the children and the husband. She is blessed with what many people do not have in life: real or fictional. However, simply because of boredom, she wants to experiment something that is different from the routine. There begins the problem. Since she lives in a closed, perfect country, not knowing what else to do, she tries to restart her relationship, eventually she did, with her school days boy friend who also has a peaceful life.  And the story goes on and on with the turns and twists, mostly unexpected, and finally the revelation comes. She realises that nothing is more important than family, the usual conventions of a married woman. And it is her husband who helps her in redemption. I can't imagine this in Indian context!

The book, of course, is not his best,  at least for the people who have read Zakir, Pilgrimage, Veronica or the Alchemist. His characterisation is similar to his previous novels. The goal or the objective, whatever you may call, is clear and the same like his previous novels. The transition and transformation is also the same, and the role of other minor characters are also similar. The novel's setting is different.  

After completing the novel, I was wondering why would the protagonist came out with boredom as the reason to for risking one's life and reputation.  When a woman commits adultery, the whole family is at stake unlike men. It is a universal phenomenon. Contrary to many stereotyped men, the husband understands her and gives her the option-to stay or to leave.  Very few characters are generous, in real life too. 

The best aspect of Paulo's writing is the style, and may also be the translator's. The way in which he takes you through the process of realisation is overwhelming. The process and the minor characters you meet in between before the destination is fantastic. However, the theme of his novels are the same with slight variation. 

Not too bad, it is a good read. But, may I not read him anymore? Don't know.    

  

My Coffee craving....

It's a calling from the brain....not from the tongue. You can certainly avoid yielding to your tongue but not the calling from your brain....because it affects productivity which is all about my work, my reading and my writing.

I just finished my lunch. A typical simple south Indian sambar and potato fry with a small piece of murukku. Soon after I finished my last gulp, I felt like having coffee, strong hot coffee.. my friend was laughing at my urge to have coffee at this time..for many people coffee after lunch is odd. I am sorry, they may not know what it means!.

I don't follow any routine when comes to coffee. I take it when I feel like having it...that said...there are times that I skip it too...like yesterday evening. Mostly I prefer filter coffee except for very rare occasions. The mixture of coffee and milk has to be proportionate and I don't add water in the milk. I prefer pure milk...the decoction has to be freshly made. I bring coffee powder from my native town..from a very famous brewing shop or Green label from Bru. I still remember the aroma of Ipoh White Coffee.

Trust me, coffee can do wonders to you. It is a secret recipe... to start a conversation....to keep the friendship together. It provides a luxurious space for yourself with no disturbances and takes you to your own self. Try taking coffee at a nice weather preferably sitting next to window overseeing the world or greens or water around you...you will know what I mean. You can savour the world as you savour the coffee.

It's only 12.40 here..and the weather is slightly better ..windy since last few weeks... I don't know why on earth only Chennai is so hot and dry...I feel like having coffee at my desk and do my reading or writing..or whatever I am doing which is a luxury that is not offered here.

While walking back to the department with a cup of coffee...a colleague of mine in the lift said he was obviously surprised by my idea of taking the coffee to the department..he said that I am the second person he sees someone who carries coffee and prefers to have coffee at the desk. He was obviously confused with the idea. By the time you walk back to the place, the coffee would get old.

I have great fans for the coffee I prepare. Many times I am disappointed that some good restaurants do not offer good coffee. And, I am happy with my coffee craving. It is a green signal that my mind or brain is ready to work... People keep telling me to avoid it.. something beyond imagination. My day breaks with a strong super filter coffee..taken at my convenient pace. There are even times I go for the second cup soon after I take the first one if the first one is not soul fulfilling. There is a lot behind the science of coffee craving..later ..after my coffee. 😋😋

Being a woman...

I am not a feminist.  I am not a non-feminist. I am an individual who believes that men and women are differently born- biologically, emotionally, physically and psychologically and are here, either by choice or by chance, to fulfil different roles in society.

Recently, Women's Day was celebrated with much pomp and gaiety all around the world.  Proliferated activities and events took place: Women's strike in Spain, Me Too movement in South Korea, first ever march in Pakistan and so on.  There was a variety of competitions in schools and colleges, and awareness programmes on women safety and honouring of women towards their contribution etc. to mark the day.

While it is encouraging to see the recognition and appreciation for women's contribution in their respected fields, it is equally important to understand the nature of women. It is not easy to be a woman; be it a career woman or homely woman (housewife). It requires a lot of sacrifices, compromises and losses.  These are, most of the time, to make others happy. Of course, there is no doubt it gives a sense of accomplishment in the contribution. But, it should be within one's own limitations.

The society is unfair. It expects women to work more and take a dual role or multiple roles.  It is too sweet to tell women that they are multitasking, multifaceted, dynamic and so on only to extract work. Alas!..the women are too naive to understand and keeps trying to be the pillar of her society, whatever it may be.

However, the world is different.  Everything is said and done in men's perspective, men's utility and men's convenience.  The world has seen strong female personalities and leaders in the past and continues to have them in the present.  Men understand them and accept them inferior or precisely 'chooses' to be so. It is clear from the point of student's answer to a question which requires him to write a definition of a 'washing machine'. I was shocked to find his answer- "second wife".  What an attitude about women! How is the student going to respect his mother, sister and understand his wife?

The fear of accepting women as they are with their smartness and the intellectual qualities stems from the insecurity of men and the deep down desire for domination. Men expect women to sweep the floor than to fix a computer despite the fact that he knows she is better at fixing the computer than the man.  Trust me, it takes a great courage to accept women for who she is. They fear women for her strong willpower. Men tackle them in any of the two ways: physical or mental assault. Poor men!

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and are born to complement to the world with a unique purpose in life.

Day Two -2018

It's 10.pm now. My day started at 6.15 with my travel to Kodaikanal and still continues towards Chennai. Out of 24 hours, I think I am travelling for at least 18 -19 hours! I know, you might be surprised at the spirit of my travel. But my close aides worry about it and keep reminding me of my age. My professor asked me yesterday how do I get the energy to travel and if it is not tiring. I replied, "Maybe, the moment I stop travelling I stop living". The reply was spontaneous.  And today, when I was telling my travel schedule to Arun he asked me,"How old are you ma?" I know.

Most of my travel is on work or study. But I make it interesting. Today while I was travelling back to Madurai from Kodaikanal, I realised how things changed in the way I travel.  I stopped reading much, I prefer audio video free buses. I prefer to be myself, thinking, observing, watching and enjoying the present moments that pass by. My next seat neighbour, the driver or the conductor, the open space that pass by fast interest me more than anything these days. 

What does Mdm.J.Jayalalitha mean to me?

I am trying my very best to disconnect myself from the news. Some sort of despair, fear, shock, sense of loss, engulf me. And I never thought I would write this. But ever since Mdm. J.J was hospitalized, especially these few days, I tend to look at few online sites for updates as often as possible amidst my work. Even after everything is over, I am still keep checking on the news. I could not resist doing that though many times I forced myself to do it. Why does my attention go without me knowing or allowing it?

I don't belong to her party. I am a common man, one of the many simple, unnoticed ordinary citizen who happened to be under the administration of Mdm JJ. Except for her movies (a great admirer) and intelligence, I never watched her, followed her. However, I am surprised to find myself sitting in front of TV for the entire day, I changed my dp, updated my status. I took a walk thinking breathing a fresh air would help me in collecting my conscious back to normality. As I came back, the thoughts or everything I (we) saw on TV about Mdm. J.J dominated the thoughts again. I keep myself engaged in different physical activities hoping to come out of it. But, it is impossible to engage the mind with the current work when the mind is already occupied with something greater than that.

Why do I so much feel depressed and lost? It is not that the theory of subconscious mind inclines to sad news to feed itself, nor, is the fact that the impact of visual is greater, but it is something more and it is difficult to explain the pronoun "something". Her charisma, boldness, will power, persistence, confidence, knowledge, decisiveness and what not? - some of these or all of these attracted people all around the country. She proved to be successful by making people miss her irrespective of political difference. They all feel connected to her because either they shared, with some degree, some of her traits or they wished they could have had it!

This morning, it is being reported that the state is coming back to normality but, yes, normality with a sense of heavy feeling and shock- shock of reality - could she also be no more?

Changing Preferences... Changing Perspectives....

I was in the kitchen getting ready with vegetables for cooking my lunch. I put carrots, beans, lady fingers, white pumpkins and tomatoes into a vessel and put them under the tap for wash. I suddenly realized that how in recent years carrots and tomatoes dominate the most part of the vegetables that I buy, especially carrots. The freshness and the colour immediately get my eyes - a vegetable (few others) that I disliked in my school days! Most of the part of my education was from hostel and my school education was from a Christian Institution. They had their own menu and preferences in vegetables which you may not like (or least I didn't) and I don't know if they still do it. Yet, I do credit my school for many good things I received.

I am surprised at my own changes and  preferences. It is not just carrots or food but many other things. I don't exactly know the point I realized that carrots are good for health and it is good to have colourful food. I don't know when I started preparing colourful sambar (curry) with multicolour vegetables and I don't know when I stopped listening to music that I was once desperate about nor do I realize the last time I enjoyed having lunch alone at work. I don't even realize when was the last time I engaged in a carefree conversation with whoever I encountered.

Whenever I was at home, I used to sleep listening to Illayaraja's melodies and there were times that I kept the radio close to my ear and listen till midnight or early morning until my father had to turn it off with a scolding next morning.  Listening to songs was so irresistible and I don't know how many cassette players I used to buy and record according to genres, singers and other preferences. Now, I am trying to remember the last time that I did any of them, except occasional listening from Jaya Max or while travelling. It is not just listening to Illayaraja but Vivaldi, Mozart or Mariah Carey. However, I do, at times, turn on the radio, but it rarely gets my attention.

I was very jovial, noticeable in my school and college days.  I remember I was the same even in my early career. Now, I speak less, I avoid looking at people so as to avoid talking, I speak only to a close circle of people. I am withdrwan, but I prefer it this way.

I always liked to have my lunch at work alone, alone with the company of a book or my system (but still reading). But in my current work place I allowed myself to eat with few of my colleagues which is not me.

Lot of other things changed, mostly unconsciously.  It is a surprise that our preferences change over time without us realizing. I sometimes think that this may be due to our changing perspectives of life. I don't know. May be. The reasons are unclear and unsure but the change in the preferences brings out the unkonwn 'us' from us. 

Waiting .... .... ....

     I have been waiting and I am waiting.  I am one of the few who hates waiting. I can't wait. I just don't have the important ingredient of waiting,

     It's really irritating to wait. Especially, when you know that the clock is ticking and you can't wait anymore. But, life is like that.  You just have to wait.  Circumstances make you wait. You can't run away from it. And of all the waiting, waiting for bus is the most terrible thing to do.

     I have to wait another at least one hour for the bus to leave the college. Yesterday, I waited for almost two hours to board the bus.  Then I have to wait at least one hour and odd to reach home. (I wish I could just be airlifted to where ever I want to go.)

      It's the environment makes me crazy more than the wait. It is the physical unconducive environment leads to mental discomfort.  It's extremely and sickeningly hot, sultry and sweaty.  I could feel the heat waves. The place where I was sitting yesterday was noisy and suffocating. everything added to the irritation. My evening was spoiled with sever headache followed by tablet, etc., etc., All Nonsense.

      But I was surprised to see people around me don't seem to be bothered at all by the wait nor by the heat. I wonder.

      I wish next time, I could decline the offer of travelling during summer and be comfortable where I am or where ever I am.  Yeah, the pain of waiting can be eased with the company of a good book or with some good music,  but it is not always so.

     I have to wait for the bus, for the days...for the weeks....for the years.....

     Oh!  Waiting for the wait to be over!

A Slave...

As I sat at the corridor waiting to go home, I looked around. There was a bunch of NCC students taking training to get the right co ordination of their posture. (Nobody cares to get the right coordination of mind, body and soul). Straight to where I was sitting was a lady, one of many servants, meticulously working. It was a rainy season and it had been raining since morning. The entire car park was cemented and it was full of rainy water. The floor was uneven.  She was clearing the floor by using sponge. She spread the sponge on the floor, let it soak with water and collected in the bucket. The funny thing was, she knew, I knew, the man who was supervising her knew, and everybody who was watching her knew that she was doing an impossible work, for one good reason. It was still raining and the floor would be filled with more and more water. Her hard work is futile. But she just had to do it. She had to do it because a) she was not given the choice and freedom to tell that her work was a waste of time, b) her boss would be happy to see her busy with some work, c) she would not have any other job if looses this.  Any one of these or all of these. 

And it is not just about the servant. It is about me, about you, about everyone who has to shut our mouth, pretending to be dumbs.  We just do not know why we do many things that we do in our workplace. It's nothing but nonsense. The idea is nonsense, the work is nonsense - (does not make sense), the attitude is nonsense. The attitude of the superior is nonsense. It is so irritating to see a boss whose intention is to make people work in a hard way in spite of the fact that they are aware of the smart way. One such boss told me once, "it's O.k...let them do it...  or else they will be simply sitting". I was shocked at the attitude.  The bossy attitude reminded me of the olden days task master who watched over his slaves at the farm. 

I wonder why do the superiors behave the way they do at all levels (mid and top management)? Aren't they supposed to be leaders in stead of bosses? 

And God, When will I work for an intellectual? 

Paradox

Same Sunday.. Same Sunday schedule. Same solitude(almost). But different. Entirely different. Different in the way the Sundays are spent. Sundays used to be soul filling. Then the soul was last. It was when survival took over soul searching. Survival instinct is stronger. Sad. We forget the essence of life and death. But as long as we remain humans the struggle between soul and survival is inevitable. But do we all realize the existence of soul? The shift from Sundays to soul is unexpected. It happens.
The Sundays were beautiful. Brimmed with happiness and hope.
Today is well spent;. cooking..reading...walking.....exactly the same.way it used to be. However the state of mind that every thing did was different. It is not a question nor a problem if u don't put your mind in it. Conscious of the actions. If you are not conscious of your actions you àre either careless or escape from reality. Things happen in a way that it changes the state of mind. . Things that are not connected to you may get into you and change your perspective. You don't realize the change until it gets you so much so you loose your self. The state of mind is important in order to keep up your self.
The self that does not loose itself will connect with its soul.

Change .....

And again, I am set for another change.  Why would anyone want to change often? or as often as one cannot take? Well, no adventure or any sort of thing but something. And that something will always be there everywhere. But again, that something differs from place to place. Some changes occur with intense desire whereas some happen without our knowledge.

This time, I am in control of the change. Except for the bit of anxitey. I liked the feeling. It was good, more professional. The conversation that was exchanged was also very professional. There was a shock but with understanding. And so the conversation was good.  I am anxious about the future. Everytime you change there are fundamental things that change along with. The unfortunate thing is you cannot be in two places which I very much want to experience.  

Well, for changes to happen there is soemting inevitable should happen. Decision. I believe any decision that you take will influence your future.  You cannot control your desicion nor you can control the impact it may bring. Though it may seem that you are the one you decide, your decision is not yours. The decision that you take is the outcome of your past. Your good and bad experiences and its lessons, pains etc etc. And every decision you make is your choice. But there is no free choice. Its controlled.

There is something awaiting. Something again. I am clear, calm, and tranquility prevails me.

Hope this change is for good.

It's been a long time...!

It's a mixed feeling today.  It's one of the rare moments that I get. A mixed feeling of my existence. Existence of the past and future. And present?  Past and future will recur in the mind when the present is not promising.

The gloomy weather brings gloomy thoughts. The breeze is chill and I smell rain. It should be raining somewhere. My colleague exclaimed,"What a weather in the month of March!" I couldn't exclaim, nor could I think about any thing. I refused to think or to do anything. All I  wanted was to take a walk, long walk. The one such walk I used to take in the past, distance past. I didn't walk for the past two years. Well, I am still alive.  But, there is difference in the way I live. A life with walking and a life without walking. Unfortunately, I am confined with duties and responsibilities. I took a short break from my routine. Its good to listen to your heart once in a while.

The mixed feeling is about the way in which I exit. If existence is mere eating, sleeping and living, then I exist. But usually this is not the case. I exist, but I ceased to exist the way I wanted to exist.  Its the weather takes me back and froth. Eventually I found myself in talking to you. A nice escape from reality. A delve into the past. Visited my old places. See there is the smile! You may be wondering at my bluffing. But wait, it is not bluffing. 

The mixed feeling is about the present and future. A sudden lightening thought engulfed me ever since I started to smell the fresh rain. I never knew there would be a problem in breathing fresh air. May be we are not used to it for sometime! It's been a long time!  I am too lazy to think.

 Its still gloomy outside and I love to walk again. 

Yes, I am stupid ...because you said so!!!

This is the second time that the intellectual side of my ego was deeply hurt. However, I was not in debating mood to challenge the statement and nor am I interested to prove who I am after all these years. There is a point in time where you strive to get better grades in school, and there is another point in your life where you strive to get better job than rest of your friends. Every point in our life there is stage, and we all want to be better than others. 

But there are exceptions. Exception in extreme sides. And of course, being exceptional is and not excuse. Now, the stage that I am referring to was not a level playing stage for me. There were times that I couldn’t even dare to step on it. Well, that was history. 

I strongly condemn our education system which judge a student by the grade and which encourages students to memorize and vomit in exam and get first class or distinction.Creativity,critical thinking, lateral thinking are way too far away from us. The worst part is every parent and student is obsessed in scoring high marks in order to be sold, marketed.  I mean employed. The parents are the one who pass and who fail in the exam.  For them, the tuition fee is an investment. And, Ironically, the so called "I"st class graduates are not “I”st class in other aspects of education! Sorry to say this.

Well, my parent, I mean my father was different. He gave me the freedom, he introduced me to the world, wanted me to acquire knowledge, explore into theories and concepts, ranging from politics to economics or world affairs to religion. Neither I nor my father was not into this rate race. I was offered a free seat in science stream, which would have made me a doctor if I wanted, as kutti always wished.  I didn’t care. Or I didn’t know.  Then, there was too little parental guidance, at least in my case.  Now it is too much. Every single parent is talking about campus-campus interview. Wait, I did not fail in any exam, it is just that I did not get First class in my UG. And so what? The world did not shut its door on me. My result in 
M.Phil was outstanding with 2nd rank in the university. So, am I stupid or intelligent? 

I can quote as many billionaires and intellectuals who did not even attend school. And history remembers them!  The recent announcement by few IT companies that arrears don’t matter in recruitment as long as they are able to communicate in English well means that IT companies are hiring ‘not so intelligent’ graduates?

I am in the constant search of something beyond the “I”st class. Confining me to your first class makes me laugh.Well, I didn’t feel insulted by your statement but most certainly, yes, my intelligence did!

a desire ....

"If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing then the desire is not to write" Hugh Prather.

I found the above line in Amitabh's blog. Yes, Amitabh Bachan. His blog is one of my often read blogs. He is passionate in what he is doing. Blog, for many, is scrambling. For him, like me, its more of talking to oneself. I wanted to be a writer when I started reading Tamil Novels, specifically Balakurmaran. I finished reading all his novels and went on finishing Jayakandan, Vasanthi, Janakiraman, Sivasankarai, Anuradha Ramanan, Sujatha and many more. I used to read until 3 or 4 in the morning and be late for morning house hold duties, got scolding from dad..thats a story by itself.

Reading, a good reading, will somehow end up in writing. Its reactive/reflective reading. You either write in a piece of paper or in your mind. The later in most cases. Its a matter of many things.  You will be surprised to find quite a number of amazing writers- mind writers, like bath room singers. I am yet to acquire the skills; the art of writing and perseverance.

I am surprised to read Amitabh's blog for main two reasons: 1. He writes everyday. 2. The time, he writes even at the late hour of the day. He writes before he sleeps. I can imagine his schedule. Despite his tight schedule he makes it a point to write daily. His command of English and style are truly commendable.

Well, I am not Mr Amitabh. Or any celebrity, who is surrounded by men and money to attend to household or daily routine. I am the man and the woman of my house and I am yet to be blessed with money which attracts people to do things for me. However, my wish to retire as a writer is getting stronger:)

Writing is one of my still-alive dreams, unless I die without writing anything at all. Who knows what life has for you! Many a times I wished to be Keats or Bharathi, who wrote at the very young age and died young. I am guilty of my empty life and I am equally unhappy about its futileness. When you look back, you should have a sense of fulfillment.

I do write, mostly daily in my mind. There are days I can't even think of anything expect the toil of daily life. Mental, physical and spiritual tiredness engulf me recently. I am also, at times afraid, I may die without producing any worth of art. The struggle of survival and the hope of winning over the struggle keep flashing intermittently.

Amen!

The "I"s in me...

"One who feels as he ought to feel, and the who one who feels the opposite". Charles Dickens's state of mind most of his life time. Well, I don't feel the opposite nor do I write negative characters out of the opposite, though I may. Thank God I am not the only one. And there may be few of you who feel the duality of the existence.
This is not a split personality. Nor is this a confused personality. Rather you are different entities living at the same time. The two “I”s are travelling parallel at different planes at different altitudes.

It so happens to ordinary human like me, to ignore the one or the other in the case of not knowing which me is the predominant me. Let us assume the 1st me is materialistic and the 2nd me is non materialistic and you are a person of non material. However you are forced, forced, to live the life of a materialistic man. In this case, I believe, that you ignore the other. To the worse, you might even kill the other. In a long run, you might even forget the other. However, this isn't the case always. The forgotten self may surface at unexpected time for unknown reason. You may end up guilty.

More often I wonder the existence of duality. The study of human mind is deep and vast and coming to a definite conclusion of the self or about its existence is impossible. I have watched people who do not give a damn about mind or about its duality or multiplicity and living a peaceful life. But I always hear a voice; a compelling voice. A voice keeps reminding me that I am meant to do something else from what I have been doing now. How much ever I convince (cheat) myself by telling that things happening now are for good and it is a Divine intervention in my life, the other refuses to accept and I end up having sleepless nights.

Though there is no confusion or question of which "I" is predominant and which one should be predominant, making the wish into reality is tough. And the question is if I would let both "I"s alive or going to kill one for the sake of other.

Let me wait and see. ..

Compatibility Crisis

My Professor once advised me that I should be careful when I choose my life partner that I have to make sure that the person I am looking for is someone who appreciates literature and life in general. There was a warning in my Professor's tone.  And literature doesn’t mean just reading books. Literature is the reflection of life.  I laughed at him but I understood and agreed to his idea. Though compatibility is a matter of discussion only in relationships, I would like to generalize the term widely to anybody whoever you are with: house mate, colleagues, sister, father, aunt, son, mom, or a drive with your friend or friends or anyone who are with for some period of time or longer.  I don't dare to take a drive or walking to the canteen for a cup of coffee with a friend who is ununderstanding, unappreciative of  life.

I really missed my sister Malls when I had a cup of strong coffee at the restaurant two days back.  And you are least expected to hear " yeah the coffee is nice, so what?" when you still enjoying the coffee that you had a while ago. Brenda would understand exactly the way I felt with what a cup of strong filter coffee would do. It's a Divine Drink!  Hell, life was a living hell at that point of time. Well, I am slightly expressive, in certain things.  I express my happiness. I express my admiration.  That is spontaneity. And not everyone can appreciate the good things in the world even if they know the things are good.  People who are spontaneous and genuine are getting lesser and lesser these days.

Life would turn into a living hell if you are with a person who can't understand the little things that you enjoy and appreciate; like the gentle  breeze,  drizzle, or enjoying a nice poem. Talking about poem and reading, I have issues with people who have fundamental problem in understanding.  It takes so much energy to explain, justify what you read, what you saw and what you do anything.  And perhaps this is one of the main reasons why I am left with only few friends or to be specific, few people.  I better be alone. I need my energy. You can't demand appreciation of life in everyone around you. Now I am having compatibility crisis. Of all the crisis, this is a serious one for a good reason. In a long run you may loose yourself as I am afraid of me now.  The funny part of this is:  this is not at all a matter to them in life. I guess they are ignorant of the fact that how much it means in once life to appreciate things that they deserve and to have a compatible person as a friend, a mentor, a sister or anyone you spend your quality time with. And you can't teach a b c of this.  This is something inborn. Or it takes great energy to know, to realize and to become one which demands the greatest virtue - Patience. And the reason why no relationship - all the ships including..doesn't last long is  because of this. We have no tolerance, respect or interest for people, for their feelings, for their self.

Until that happens, the crisis will continue…

A chapter unsought

Its hot. Unbearably hot. Its understandable that I am sleepy this afternoon. Yet I am trying to do anything possibly that i can do in order to avoid my nap. I don't want to get into that habit. I am doing nothing. Yet I am busy and I have no free time.  Not free enough to do anything I like to do. Like reading my favorute book, thinking, or updating my blog. Talking about reading, it's been months since I read anything solid. Finishing the entire Hindu itself becomes hard most of the days. Having learnt from my past experience not to question the present, I am allowing myself to go through whatever I am destined to go through at this phase of my life. Well, no regrets though there, certainly, are some complaints.   

I fill up my time and myself with BBC, HBO, Star, The Hindu and Internet so that I don't miss too much of myself. But still, there are some aspects of me is lost, I guess.  I hope I can revive them as I am reviving those few others that I lost long time back.

Trust me; this is the first time I am here at my native since I was four.  We moved for another place due to my Dad's transfer.  I was only a visitor all these while which makes things even tougher. Getting to know people and thier attitude requires more time, energy and patience. I am biting my tongue on many occasions. Straightforwardness or directness doesn't win many things here. Also, timeframe doesn’t work. People are at their own pace. 

Frequent power cuts freak me out. Power cut in this summer? Ridiculous.  And Assembly election is round the corner. Who, in the right frame of mind will suggest this power cuts at this election time? Unfortunately  people are not that serious to think about power cuts.  They are so used to it. So sad. They are looking for better freebies from the parties.  And of course, I am under house arrest. I am scared (!?) to go out in the evening. Yeah, repeated unpleasant happenings on the way to the neighboring town, small though, scares me away from going out however urgent and important the task is. Well, I still want to live for few more years at least :)! And 'my guardian angels' - my people - are preventing me from going out. Self  choosen role. No harm in giving them the happiness. I recalled what our lawyer said - you are your guardian. 

If Gandhiji was alive today, I probably would give him a teaspoon of sugar, if not some Bengali Sweet. Yeah, Villages are the real faces of a country. Well, for the sake of something unknown, I should refrain from saying anything negative about it.  I will have no regrets of not living in a village setup. Well don’t ask me if it were a life to be or not to be missed. I really don’t know. Certain experiences are unpleasant and unwelcoming. By facing them you have nothing to learn/lose.

Besides the routine, I am learning to make some new items in the kitchen, like pickle. My adopted son, a cat, and a dog are my companions right now. 

 There is one person who would certainly feel happy with my presence filled in this house is missing. And I do ask myself why was I not here when I was needed to be here!?