Ifs and Buts of life...

Perhaps Grace was right. "You are regretful", "I never want to look back and say 'oh, what if I had done this..what if I had done that'". "It's over. You can't think of getting a second back. So, think wisely about your future". Sharp but straightforward.  I was reminded of - 'life is full of ifs and buts'

Words of wisdom. Wisdom comes with age and experience. And of course, not all.

While I was picking my scooter from the shop, my mind was busy as usual, in its pace. Suddenly, there was a flash - a revelation. Am I going to go back to the eternal past?  Had I gone last year, I would have avoided this, had I done this two years back, I would have gone home last year, had I done this previous year, I would have done this and that, or I could have avoided this and that.  Will these ifs ever end? Or, am I going to reach down deep questioning the roots?

But then, it is difficult, very difficult: to explain, to understand and to accept. Sometimes, you don't really want to think about it but you can't help thinking about it. How I wish I could dismiss the thoughts that trouble me!

Life is a domino effect. It is different from co incidents. It can happen in any least expected way. Minor or major, every event, every action does matter in a way. And every action leads us to another action, consciously or unconsciously. Conscious. Yes, you have to be conscious all the time, I mean, ALL the time of your actions.  In life, we cannot afford to have overwhelming anything for that matter. Then the consequence may be disastrous. You might loose the touch with your self, not yourself, but your "self". Once it happens, you might as well find it difficult to listen to your innate wisdom - intuition. You may hear but you may not notice and let it go, unnoticed and unattended. You ignore it. You know how hurtful it is to ignore anything? You hurt yourself and others. Either way. Anyways, it is hurtful. It will be far too late before you realize and things would have gone out of control. If so, you are letting ifs and buts to haunt you. You won't be helped,  even if the universe wants to help you. It is more than coincident!

I believe, all of us can predict, foresee our future to an extent. But still, it is mysterious to achieve clarity in our actions. We know what to do but we are unable to do and willingly avoid doing certain things, unable to control the consequences for there is a fear. Fear of something. Fear for something. There is an invisible force controls us beyond the realm of understanding. Known yet unknown.

There is he, she and they who involved in this ifs and buts. And not forgetting an important personality - YOU.. Always letting yourself to allow things to happen. So, why blaming others? Don't blame the stage if you don't know how to dance. You either dance or you don't . How you dance is entirely up to you.

Now things are pretty much clear, clearer than ever before. Wisdom?! Yeah. After facing the harsh truth of life. There is nothing much matters to me. I just have to mind my way. But this time very mindfully.

For those who have contributed to this ifs and buts in my life- nature will do its duty. I have nothing to do except - FORGIVE. Forgive him, forgive her, forgive them and forgive yourself.

And, it's time to listen to Grace.

Om Shanthi..Om Shanthi...Om..

My Miss Sentha!!!

Teaching, perhaps, was last on my list. Serious. My dad won, as always. Well, Now, it is a different story. If  you don't get what you love, love what you get. No, no philosophy this time.

Five years back, I was given Public Speaking subject to teach Computer Students (diploma). Fine, my cup of coffee. I love speaking, in any form. I inherent from my dad. But that was the first time to teach Public Speaking. Nor was I a speaker then. Now, to some extent,  yes.  Mind you, speaking and teaching to speak was different.

Students were expected to do three different types of speeches and the class strength was twenty five and above, if I could remember correctly.

It was one of the presentations day. Each of them was given five minutes. However they did take their own time. And there came a student. Obviously he was nervous. He started with the ritual-greeting the class. Some can go on with a list like the ones you see in Oscar awards acceptance speeches; greeting everyone and sometimes the pets too.

He started greeting the class and said, "My Miss Sentha". We guessed he wanted to say my friends or my class... I told you, he was that nervous. And the whole class burst into laughter....and so did I.

Ever since, the batch can recall that incident and call me my miss Sentha. And there was a student from Ghana, Hagan.  Every time, literally, he called, my miss Sentha. He never bothered about the place nor the people around.

This kind of thing happens to me atleast once in a while. Two semesters ago, it was a presentation day for Business English, degree students. Two studetns went to the platform, one after the other, and greeted the class and me- good afternoon my friends and sentha. What?! I couldn't wait anymore and ever after whoever goes to the platform gives me warm smile and ......Ms Sentha, yeah, you got it right!

And today, I was walking back to my office from canteen after my so called lunch at 4.00. I heard My Miss Sentha. I was surprised and so does the faculty. He was loud. The Ghanian is here. Our minds travelled back to the moment in a fraction of second and brought smile on both of us.

At the end of the day what remains is - the feeling.  And, teaching is not just teaching!










                                                                          

A reminder ...

This is not the first time. It's has been repeating. Not history. It's my bike.

Today, I thought of calling a taxi to visit some one. I wanted to buy a nice gift so, plan differently, got on to my scooty. On the way from Hui sing to choice, I saw police bikes and cars with a siren. The police on the patrol, waved his left hand in a more dramatic way, like Kings and Gods do. I was wondering where could they have possibly learnt to wave like that. And the bike was approaching. Guess what, my helmet was hanging in the handle. Goodness, I escaped.

I guess, it could possibly be some Minister visiting another VIP. Back home, the routes would be  blocked, traffic would be hectic, and it would take at least 1 hour to clear. Not easy.

Almost reaching Kamdar, my scooty got stuck and came to a complete stop. I didn't take much to time to think of my next move, but left my scooty at Kamdar, walked up to Choice,  the only shop opened, bought a nice chocolate basket, got into a taxi and vanished.

I was dropped back home. After a half an hour rest, I started to rescue my vehicle. I walked up to Kamdar via choice. It refused to cooperate. I was pushing for some time while wondering if I could call Mo for help. But, being valentine's day, I assumed he would be celebrating.

I was pushing all the while to the petrol station, filled up the tank and refilled oil. I thought it was running out of fuel. Nothing helped me. Almost reaching home, I chanced upon by a student. He tried for his part, after seeing the stubbornness of the scooty, he asked if he could help me in getting the bike home. I gently refused. Well, I appreciated his help. Unlike some so called friends who could not be bothered at all. A friend of mine was about to visit me sometime in the past, and I told him that I got stuck up with my bike. I was on the middle of the road, not knowing what to do. Well, he called after almost 1 hour to find out. Of course, he couldn't care less. Cold. Well, our actions are reflections of our behaviour and the amount of care we show to one another. A sign of human behaviour.

On the way, I stopped in a place, and starting munching pea nuts leaning on a post. It was on the road. Passers by were had a curious look. There was a man who gave a me weird look. He would have probably thought what is this weird woman doing? Perception. I am sure none of us is weird

So, I ended up walking a lot more yesterday and the only problem is my right hand and shoulder. Cannot lift. Its swollen.

Every time it happens, I remind myself of few things: 1) using a taxi - incredibly not possible all the time. 2) getting help from friend - its totally against my principle. 3) change my commuter - to car. Sounds so good, but I enjoy more when I am sitting next to the driver seat. What to do?

Perhaps I should get a car with an expensive driver;) ! did you get what I mean?

Bits of today...

You are too honest
This morning, I didn't expect that I would catch up with a colleague for a cup of coffee and get updated news. I was wondering few things and he said that I am too honest and can never expect integrity in people,at least in workplace. But I wonder - why not? But I know - am paying too much. I can't be helped.

Astro - customer service
Due to my long absence from Kuching,  Astro bill was unpaid and the service was disconnected for two to three days, and I couldn't be bothered about neither the payment nor  watching TV.

Suddenly I felt I missed BBC and I made the payment yesterday afternoon expecting the line to be connected. After waited for one day,  I called Astro when I came home for lunch. The lady confirmed few things  and assured me that the line would be reconnected within 3 hours from the time I called her. I put the receiver down and turned towards my laptop to do something and I heard the TV speaking. I was really surprised. That was quick, very quick, less than 3 minutes.

My Scooty
It was almost 8 months since my scooty needed a service after my ex colleague fell down into one of the widest drainage in Stampin with my scooty, I had been thinking, thinking, and thinking of getting it repaired. Last weekend, my friend found out that the back tyre went flat. I couldn't get it to the shop to get replaced. (couldn't be bothered again?) And, this afternoon, I was almost left with no choice but to force myself to leave my scooty with the mechanic. I was told to get it back around 3 or 5, was advised not to be late because the shop would be closed early today.(CNY preparation!)

I left my office at 5 and while walking to the shop I remembered I forgot to get something from the office. To go back or to proceed to the shop - a second of dilemma. I went back to office. While walking out to the shop, Margaret said that she would drop me and we found out the shop was closed. Then she dropped me home.

I planned to shop briefly tonight. Now, at home.

Blog
I always like to read Mitch's blog. She has a unique style-conversational. Yet to comment. She has been my inspiration for starting blog and designing too. I spent one full hour this evening to give a new look. To some extent- I did.

Just managed to read Amitabh Bachachn's blog. Interesting. Its not about him and his life. A blog is more than words, more than entries, more than language.  If you can't get it, don't worry.

Nap
Nap in the evening or in the afternoon is refreshing - perhaps for you. I napped for 1 hour. I thought of walking up to Wanjia to buy and to walk. I felt very tired when I woke up - the house was quite except the tickling of the clock.

Very long time back I read it in a Tamil novel that to day is another day. In a way - yes. The same routine, same people, same encounters, same reactions, same everything - but different too. Paradox of life?

I still have few more hours for the day. I just want to catch up with Star Movies, BBC, chat with my friend and walking. I don't know. I am hungry - very. And tired. Too tired - to cook, to walk, to watch, and .....could be my high heals? or could it be the exhaustion of my mind? I don't know- don't want to know either.

And, here comes tomorrow - will it be an another day?

Motivation without Motivation - A paradox..

Have you ever tried to motivate people when you yourself need motivation? It happened to me yesterday.

When Sunday and I planned for this week's toastmasters meeting, I decided to give a speech, last project in the manual. The objective is to motivate and inspire my audience. Well...Did I motivate?

There is too much pressure in the air. One after another.  Amidst of this, my routine. To add, I was wondering a topic for my 'Motivational Speech'. I summoned my front seat colleague and Mo for ideas. Mr Tay was more into philosophical mode and we couldn't help but ended up discussing about self and the other, known and the unknown. Mo was on Discipline. He insisted, discipline and values are lacking in today's world.  I liked both, but my mind refused to buy those. Meantime, I worked on few topics. Everything was vague. "The power of Self" my original plan, but was countered by Mr Tay, so I dropped. "Value of values" dropped again. Though the concept of both was fine, I couldn't rest on a single theme. It was time for the meeting.

The guests cum evaluators arrived the conference room.  Mr Dunstan was my speech evaluator. I was thinking (superb was I) of a topic until 5 minutes before the meeting. He looked at me with a smile. I got it, of course.

'Life is worth living', the debater in me asked, "why is it not worth living?" (later Mr Chan mentioned the same in his evaluation) but still, that's what popped up my mind when I wrote down the title.

Nothing much about the speech- it was ordinary than usual. I just had two points for 15 minutes(are you kidding?), and unusually  I took the stopwatch with me. It was 9 minutes when I exhausted my two points.Fast enough, I sensed, my subconscious mind was busy formulating ideas while the conscious mind was speaking.  I managed, and I knew I would. I reached 18 minutes.

Mr Dunstan Chan was very soft in his evaluation, as far as I could see. I know, he had a lot to say...  :)

• I have all the technicalities for a speaker but ........ I know, the fire, the punch was missing. 
• Public speaking is an extended conversation. I liked it, but I felt mine was an extended table topic. 
• It was more of a philosophical discourse - agreed. What to do sir, when everything fails, philosophize..(from a novel I read)  
• Vagueness...yeah..its reflection of the current state of mind. Sorry about it.

Mr Leslie commented that I have simplified my usage of English - localized. I realize. Lately, my thinking is impaired....

This evening, before I left, I received an honest feedback in the form of question- Sentha, you were not prepared yesterday, were you? I smiled. Yeah, I understand, its OK, it happens,  and a smile back .  

Should we motivate others when we ourselves need motivation? Yes and No. And I should use the tips that I mentioned in my speech- goals, choices and associating with the right people. 

I am resilient, by nature. I know I will get up. I just hope I don't take too long, else, it will be too late,(to some extend, its already) as I mentioned. There is something else I may need, which I left unsaid - Change. 

The more, the merrier..

The more, the merrier. Yeah, more money, more clothes, more friends - more is certainly welcome. But, it is ridiculous to find out someone having MORE friends (2,000 and more) on face book.

And, I understand that people are wanting to add more and more friends on the list. Is it a credential? I wonder.

Perplexed was I when I found out that, say,  A befriended D who is totally a stranger to A but a friend of B who is a friend of A. How could anyone possibly befriend someone who is no way familiar to him/her and what could possibly be the cause for adding strangers as friends on face book?

A UK based research says, that a human mind can possibly remember maximum of 150 friends, and it is totally impossible to remember 1000 friends. It also says that communication takes place within a small circle of friends and not with everyone. You can notice, when you post something on your wall, its always the same friends post their comments to you, and seldom you get a comment from a friend who is silent all this while. In other words, only few friends really are looking forward to know about us and they like to take part a certain kind of role in what we do. The rest? - they don't care. Well, my point is, when they don't care, what is the point of having them on the list? Of course, there are some exceptions who just entertain themselves by reading others' posts.

That's one's choice. Nothing much to say.

Last week, I removed few friends? from the list. Oh...no, I was not bad....I was just tiding up my place. A tip which I read few months back.  'Effective ways to keep your room clean - discard the things that you don't use it for more than six months'. Though it was meant to be for objects, I thought there was nothing wrong in applying this when comes to people(some).

Acquaintances are certainly different from friends. Not all friends are intimate enough to share your ideas, views, issues and to communicate with you. Strangers are not to be mentioned at all.

And, its time for me to tidy up the place again. Hope you won't get upset ;) !