Ifs and Buts of life...

Perhaps Grace was right. "You are regretful", "I never want to look back and say 'oh, what if I had done this..what if I had done that'". "It's over. You can't think of getting a second back. So, think wisely about your future". Sharp but straightforward.  I was reminded of - 'life is full of ifs and buts'

Words of wisdom. Wisdom comes with age and experience. And of course, not all.

While I was picking my scooter from the shop, my mind was busy as usual, in its pace. Suddenly, there was a flash - a revelation. Am I going to go back to the eternal past?  Had I gone last year, I would have avoided this, had I done this two years back, I would have gone home last year, had I done this previous year, I would have done this and that, or I could have avoided this and that.  Will these ifs ever end? Or, am I going to reach down deep questioning the roots?

But then, it is difficult, very difficult: to explain, to understand and to accept. Sometimes, you don't really want to think about it but you can't help thinking about it. How I wish I could dismiss the thoughts that trouble me!

Life is a domino effect. It is different from co incidents. It can happen in any least expected way. Minor or major, every event, every action does matter in a way. And every action leads us to another action, consciously or unconsciously. Conscious. Yes, you have to be conscious all the time, I mean, ALL the time of your actions.  In life, we cannot afford to have overwhelming anything for that matter. Then the consequence may be disastrous. You might loose the touch with your self, not yourself, but your "self". Once it happens, you might as well find it difficult to listen to your innate wisdom - intuition. You may hear but you may not notice and let it go, unnoticed and unattended. You ignore it. You know how hurtful it is to ignore anything? You hurt yourself and others. Either way. Anyways, it is hurtful. It will be far too late before you realize and things would have gone out of control. If so, you are letting ifs and buts to haunt you. You won't be helped,  even if the universe wants to help you. It is more than coincident!

I believe, all of us can predict, foresee our future to an extent. But still, it is mysterious to achieve clarity in our actions. We know what to do but we are unable to do and willingly avoid doing certain things, unable to control the consequences for there is a fear. Fear of something. Fear for something. There is an invisible force controls us beyond the realm of understanding. Known yet unknown.

There is he, she and they who involved in this ifs and buts. And not forgetting an important personality - YOU.. Always letting yourself to allow things to happen. So, why blaming others? Don't blame the stage if you don't know how to dance. You either dance or you don't . How you dance is entirely up to you.

Now things are pretty much clear, clearer than ever before. Wisdom?! Yeah. After facing the harsh truth of life. There is nothing much matters to me. I just have to mind my way. But this time very mindfully.

For those who have contributed to this ifs and buts in my life- nature will do its duty. I have nothing to do except - FORGIVE. Forgive him, forgive her, forgive them and forgive yourself.

And, it's time to listen to Grace.

Om Shanthi..Om Shanthi...Om..

Motivation without Motivation - A paradox..

Have you ever tried to motivate people when you yourself need motivation? It happened to me yesterday.

When Sunday and I planned for this week's toastmasters meeting, I decided to give a speech, last project in the manual. The objective is to motivate and inspire my audience. Well...Did I motivate?

There is too much pressure in the air. One after another.  Amidst of this, my routine. To add, I was wondering a topic for my 'Motivational Speech'. I summoned my front seat colleague and Mo for ideas. Mr Tay was more into philosophical mode and we couldn't help but ended up discussing about self and the other, known and the unknown. Mo was on Discipline. He insisted, discipline and values are lacking in today's world.  I liked both, but my mind refused to buy those. Meantime, I worked on few topics. Everything was vague. "The power of Self" my original plan, but was countered by Mr Tay, so I dropped. "Value of values" dropped again. Though the concept of both was fine, I couldn't rest on a single theme. It was time for the meeting.

The guests cum evaluators arrived the conference room.  Mr Dunstan was my speech evaluator. I was thinking (superb was I) of a topic until 5 minutes before the meeting. He looked at me with a smile. I got it, of course.

'Life is worth living', the debater in me asked, "why is it not worth living?" (later Mr Chan mentioned the same in his evaluation) but still, that's what popped up my mind when I wrote down the title.

Nothing much about the speech- it was ordinary than usual. I just had two points for 15 minutes(are you kidding?), and unusually  I took the stopwatch with me. It was 9 minutes when I exhausted my two points.Fast enough, I sensed, my subconscious mind was busy formulating ideas while the conscious mind was speaking.  I managed, and I knew I would. I reached 18 minutes.

Mr Dunstan Chan was very soft in his evaluation, as far as I could see. I know, he had a lot to say...  :)

• I have all the technicalities for a speaker but ........ I know, the fire, the punch was missing. 
• Public speaking is an extended conversation. I liked it, but I felt mine was an extended table topic. 
• It was more of a philosophical discourse - agreed. What to do sir, when everything fails, philosophize..(from a novel I read)  
• Vagueness...yeah..its reflection of the current state of mind. Sorry about it.

Mr Leslie commented that I have simplified my usage of English - localized. I realize. Lately, my thinking is impaired....

This evening, before I left, I received an honest feedback in the form of question- Sentha, you were not prepared yesterday, were you? I smiled. Yeah, I understand, its OK, it happens,  and a smile back .  

Should we motivate others when we ourselves need motivation? Yes and No. And I should use the tips that I mentioned in my speech- goals, choices and associating with the right people. 

I am resilient, by nature. I know I will get up. I just hope I don't take too long, else, it will be too late,(to some extend, its already) as I mentioned. There is something else I may need, which I left unsaid - Change. 

Life still goes on...but how?

Last week, when I was waiting at LCCT  to fly back to Kuching, I met one of my students. She was also waiting for the same flight. I taught her 3 years back. I was surprised that she could still remember me and she gave me a smile as a reply.

We were catching up with old updates - her friends, family, study, future plan and also about her boyfriend. From her conversation I understood that she left her boy friend. (I don't know who left who and I don't want to know also).Shrugging her shoulders she said, "its OK miss...I am fine. Life still goes on". I was bit surprised, with few things.

Life goes on.

I am getting used with this statement very often nowadays. How possible it is to take every loss lightly?

When you miss someone or when you loose someone, (I don't mean just boy friend girl friend relationship alone) life will go on the same way it was when that someone does not mean anything to you. And, I don't think this is a sign of being confident or being courageous to face life.

Are we planting the seeds of non commitment towards one another? or are we trying to escape from conscience in the name of practicality?

Life may go on better if you are lucky..only if...

Whatever, Life still will go on, but may not be the way you wanted or it was meant to be....

Mhumm..life still goes on....I wonder-how?!