Too many things and too little time...

I have a list, a long list of "to do things". This is not your ususal day to day "to dos". Seriously speaking "to accomplish". I wanted to accomplish a lot in my life before i reach what i am today. (don't crack your head to know my age. Age doesn't matter as long as matter doesn't age).

Loved music instruments. When i was young i was crazy with guitar...credit to Illayaraja..later piano....credit to classical movies..Few years ago, i started my piano class..for some reasons, dropped. (still love to learn, i may..). Recently, i started taking guitar class...though not very regular to class..i do play some notes....

Loved to learn classical dance(Bharathanattiyam). My mom was a classical dancer..a classy woman... She didn't want me to learn anything she knew..bad...well, she had her own reasons....then tap dance..influence kamal hasan...downloaded few from youtube..shd wait and see...recently ball room dance...again....

Wanted to learn French and Spanish...so sad..in future? God knows.

Learnt yoga and meditation, no time to practice...not an excuse..serious...wht to do?

Liked, like gardening..my plants are longing for my fingers soft touch...hope they donot curse me..someone stole their time...

Want to exhaust all the good books in the world...includes..classical literature, philosophy, psychology..kant, hegal..freud...etc..etc..(my professor warned me not to study psychology but i did to some extent..)..When i started reading (not studying), i thought the best way to make my life meaningful is reading..i did to some extent..i still do....lock myself in a quite, peaceful room and read..(should make sure i have someone to feed me)

My cousin and i planned to finish our doctor studies together: hers is medicine while mine is doctorate....Now she is a doctor and i ????

A friend of mine asked me if i ever thought about exercise..(am i getting healthier???) of course, who doesn't want to be fit? Walking is so dear to me..these days only sometimes..that too at midnight..just finished..

The list goes on...
I know. "prioritize". Fine. When everything is important in its own way how to prioritize?

The list makes me tired sometimes. But i want to...am quite ambitious..want to know everything possible..but recently, only recently i realized that my curiosity has faded...mhumm....

Wait. This does not mean i have not accomplished anything..few that i have never ever thought of.

Now, what to do? The same friend told me, sentha listen to your intuition. LISTENING: Read..reading...and observing my life as someone who knows but who does not know...

Does this mean i should take life as it comes like a small leaf drifted in the natural flow of river, or?

As usual I am letting the infinite intelligence to guide me. Amen.

As long as matter does not age..

After school, Grace and i most probably will have a little chat on the day's influence over us...sometimes we may not see each other for days together..(happened to stay at the same house!)

Last evening, we, the debaters, planned for a night out...nothing much....just dinner... I prefer the company of my debaters for various reasons..one important reason is: i find that we are in the same page....very comfortable to talk and discuss anything with them than with most of my colleagues!? interesting? It is.

I was telling grace about the plan....and grace said, " its ok sentha, as long as matter does not age you can hang out with them, whats a big deal?" I burst into laughter...very true...reminded me of a lot my secret and outspoken admirers.

In my mind and heart i am only in my mid twenties, (wonderful, memorable days!). Beginning of last year, sometime in Feb, i went into a hysteric laughter when a student of mine told me that he likes me and loves me. Don't ask me if i reciprocated...

So, the moral of the story is: As long as matter doesn't age..what the heck...Grace is right..

Of all these years...

I never wanted to miss you, i never thought i would miss you, but i miss you now.

In recent years the first time i realised that i miss u was when i went to KL last week.

Life is and will be totally different if you are around me.

The second time that i realised that i miss you was whn i was in singapore soon after my Kl trip.

And the third time, i realised i really miss you is today.

Today we had a gathering, dinner. I felt your absence.

My life would have also be different, if you were with me, and i donot have to go through what i am experiencing right now.

Life did not play a fair game with me.

Relationship of Convenience

My day breaks with a cup of hot coffee. It so happened that I had to join a group of colleagues that I do not normally sit with. (I am choosy in the company as I am in many other things). For some reasons, the topic of discussion(?) landed on the young guys dating girls(ladies?) older to them. The guys are very much ok with it. One of my colleague said that this is so common these days and what she saw in KL was quite shocking and surprising. The reasons given by my colleague were true though it sounded stupid.
1. Money. Older ladies have secured monthly income; she is very useful for your pocket money which you can use for other girls (what do you call this?), buying new clothes, book your flight tickets, (oh man i bet you must be lucky) etc, etc
2. She may likely to have a good transport, however small the car is, in some cases smaller the better.
3. Washing clothes, cooking, doing all the servant work….wait, nothing more is meaningful than this for girls for her man who truly loves and deserves. I heard that a guy is so particular in girl friend whichever place he goes to help him with cooking, washing, cleaning, etc. When I heard about him, I couldn’t help but to pity him!

Recently I was watching history channel. The Empress of Russia, Catherine, was so fond of having young lovers one after another,(was it dating?) after the death of her husband. Well, that was a royal business and nobody else’s.

So, this is not new. Ever since the human kind exists this strange or weird(whatever) relationship also exists.

But there is a difference. The percentage and the purpose: these days the percentage is higher comparatively and the purpose is very obvious: convenience.
Some of the untold rules of the guys of today are:
· As long as I am with you we are the centre of the universe, and you are everything to me. But the moment I am out of your sight, I am not your business or botheration anymore and do not ask where I am, what I am doing.
· I will do anything at anytime I want to do. You shouldn’t care about it.
· I will call you only when I want to call you.
· I will see you only when I want to see you.
· I don’t care if you have something called heart or feelings. To quote june (B……t), it’s your problem.
· I won’t commit anything to you.
Personal is personal: When you two love each other, what is the personal matter, unless you have something else in your mind?

And the list goes on and on…

Fine, life is all about companionship as my friend said once (not to me!). Don't manipulate the companionship for your selffishness.

Life, to you, may seem to be entertaining, but its not fair to hurt the innocecnt souls who are ready to do anything for you by trading off their love.

Because, life Is a fair game!

Are we temperamental?

Today i planned to go to bank, and to telecoms only if the weather co operated. It was too hot in the morning, and it was cloudy in the afternoon. In both cases i would not dare to go. Malaysian sun(not son) is unfriendly to me..piercing me with its intensive rays...(3 years back i used to go out on saturdays to satok market..at the end i started developing rashes.....long story short..doctor advised me to stay indoors only..how i wish i had someone who cld help me with my bills and with my lunch, not even a friend(boy or girl, who cares!)) so i decided to go in the afternoon. But the weather has suddenly changed, dark clouds, i could predict it was going to rain heavily....one funny thing is there is no season and you cannot be really prepared...so after seeing that..i was forced to cancell my plan..thinking of that i made a casual remark to my front seat colleague," this weather is unreliable", guess what he said! In a very dramatic tone and with a dramatic gesture waving his hands from left to right and then right to left, "should i say, that this weather is temperamental like women". Ouch! are we really temperamental??

Life is an illusion...

Life is an illusion, Geetha says.

yes i have read it a long time ago and understood wht it means.

then why did i make big fool of myself to possess you, all of you, to myself, only to myself....?

was i possessive or childish?

guess what?

everything came to a sudden stop the moment u said you are leaving....

and i realised onething

i was trying to see the illusion as reality

was it really an iullusion or real?

i never knew..never ever knew its going to be like this...

how do i look like?

When i was in school some said i looked like a malayalee(big ear ring and curly hair)

When i used to go to church some said i looked like a christian(rc)

When i was working in a muslim school some said i looked like a muslim(when i forgot my third eye)

When i came to malaysia some said i looked like malaysian indian

And today when i was trying hard finding my way out of a shopping mall an old man said i looked like a sinhalese

well, people fit me with their own convenient race and religion and

nobody said i look like a human?!