Too many things and too little time...

I have a list, a long list of "to do things". This is not your ususal day to day "to dos". Seriously speaking "to accomplish". I wanted to accomplish a lot in my life before i reach what i am today. (don't crack your head to know my age. Age doesn't matter as long as matter doesn't age).

Loved music instruments. When i was young i was crazy with guitar...credit to Illayaraja..later piano....credit to classical movies..Few years ago, i started my piano class..for some reasons, dropped. (still love to learn, i may..). Recently, i started taking guitar class...though not very regular to class..i do play some notes....

Loved to learn classical dance(Bharathanattiyam). My mom was a classical dancer..a classy woman... She didn't want me to learn anything she knew..bad...well, she had her own reasons....then tap dance..influence kamal hasan...downloaded few from youtube..shd wait and see...recently ball room dance...again....

Wanted to learn French and Spanish...so sad..in future? God knows.

Learnt yoga and meditation, no time to practice...not an excuse..serious...wht to do?

Liked, like gardening..my plants are longing for my fingers soft touch...hope they donot curse me..someone stole their time...

Want to exhaust all the good books in the world...includes..classical literature, philosophy, psychology..kant, hegal..freud...etc..etc..(my professor warned me not to study psychology but i did to some extent..)..When i started reading (not studying), i thought the best way to make my life meaningful is reading..i did to some extent..i still do....lock myself in a quite, peaceful room and read..(should make sure i have someone to feed me)

My cousin and i planned to finish our doctor studies together: hers is medicine while mine is doctorate....Now she is a doctor and i ????

A friend of mine asked me if i ever thought about exercise..(am i getting healthier???) of course, who doesn't want to be fit? Walking is so dear to me..these days only sometimes..that too at midnight..just finished..

The list goes on...
I know. "prioritize". Fine. When everything is important in its own way how to prioritize?

The list makes me tired sometimes. But i want to...am quite ambitious..want to know everything possible..but recently, only recently i realized that my curiosity has faded...mhumm....

Wait. This does not mean i have not accomplished anything..few that i have never ever thought of.

Now, what to do? The same friend told me, sentha listen to your intuition. LISTENING: Read..reading...and observing my life as someone who knows but who does not know...

Does this mean i should take life as it comes like a small leaf drifted in the natural flow of river, or?

As usual I am letting the infinite intelligence to guide me. Amen.

As long as matter does not age..

After school, Grace and i most probably will have a little chat on the day's influence over us...sometimes we may not see each other for days together..(happened to stay at the same house!)

Last evening, we, the debaters, planned for a night out...nothing much....just dinner... I prefer the company of my debaters for various reasons..one important reason is: i find that we are in the same page....very comfortable to talk and discuss anything with them than with most of my colleagues!? interesting? It is.

I was telling grace about the plan....and grace said, " its ok sentha, as long as matter does not age you can hang out with them, whats a big deal?" I burst into laughter...very true...reminded me of a lot my secret and outspoken admirers.

In my mind and heart i am only in my mid twenties, (wonderful, memorable days!). Beginning of last year, sometime in Feb, i went into a hysteric laughter when a student of mine told me that he likes me and loves me. Don't ask me if i reciprocated...

So, the moral of the story is: As long as matter doesn't age..what the heck...Grace is right..

Of all these years...

I never wanted to miss you, i never thought i would miss you, but i miss you now.

In recent years the first time i realised that i miss u was when i went to KL last week.

Life is and will be totally different if you are around me.

The second time that i realised that i miss you was whn i was in singapore soon after my Kl trip.

And the third time, i realised i really miss you is today.

Today we had a gathering, dinner. I felt your absence.

My life would have also be different, if you were with me, and i donot have to go through what i am experiencing right now.

Life did not play a fair game with me.

Relationship of Convenience

My day breaks with a cup of hot coffee. It so happened that I had to join a group of colleagues that I do not normally sit with. (I am choosy in the company as I am in many other things). For some reasons, the topic of discussion(?) landed on the young guys dating girls(ladies?) older to them. The guys are very much ok with it. One of my colleague said that this is so common these days and what she saw in KL was quite shocking and surprising. The reasons given by my colleague were true though it sounded stupid.
1. Money. Older ladies have secured monthly income; she is very useful for your pocket money which you can use for other girls (what do you call this?), buying new clothes, book your flight tickets, (oh man i bet you must be lucky) etc, etc
2. She may likely to have a good transport, however small the car is, in some cases smaller the better.
3. Washing clothes, cooking, doing all the servant work….wait, nothing more is meaningful than this for girls for her man who truly loves and deserves. I heard that a guy is so particular in girl friend whichever place he goes to help him with cooking, washing, cleaning, etc. When I heard about him, I couldn’t help but to pity him!

Recently I was watching history channel. The Empress of Russia, Catherine, was so fond of having young lovers one after another,(was it dating?) after the death of her husband. Well, that was a royal business and nobody else’s.

So, this is not new. Ever since the human kind exists this strange or weird(whatever) relationship also exists.

But there is a difference. The percentage and the purpose: these days the percentage is higher comparatively and the purpose is very obvious: convenience.
Some of the untold rules of the guys of today are:
· As long as I am with you we are the centre of the universe, and you are everything to me. But the moment I am out of your sight, I am not your business or botheration anymore and do not ask where I am, what I am doing.
· I will do anything at anytime I want to do. You shouldn’t care about it.
· I will call you only when I want to call you.
· I will see you only when I want to see you.
· I don’t care if you have something called heart or feelings. To quote june (B……t), it’s your problem.
· I won’t commit anything to you.
Personal is personal: When you two love each other, what is the personal matter, unless you have something else in your mind?

And the list goes on and on…

Fine, life is all about companionship as my friend said once (not to me!). Don't manipulate the companionship for your selffishness.

Life, to you, may seem to be entertaining, but its not fair to hurt the innocecnt souls who are ready to do anything for you by trading off their love.

Because, life Is a fair game!

Are we temperamental?

Today i planned to go to bank, and to telecoms only if the weather co operated. It was too hot in the morning, and it was cloudy in the afternoon. In both cases i would not dare to go. Malaysian sun(not son) is unfriendly to me..piercing me with its intensive rays...(3 years back i used to go out on saturdays to satok market..at the end i started developing rashes.....long story short..doctor advised me to stay indoors only..how i wish i had someone who cld help me with my bills and with my lunch, not even a friend(boy or girl, who cares!)) so i decided to go in the afternoon. But the weather has suddenly changed, dark clouds, i could predict it was going to rain heavily....one funny thing is there is no season and you cannot be really prepared...so after seeing that..i was forced to cancell my plan..thinking of that i made a casual remark to my front seat colleague," this weather is unreliable", guess what he said! In a very dramatic tone and with a dramatic gesture waving his hands from left to right and then right to left, "should i say, that this weather is temperamental like women". Ouch! are we really temperamental??

Life is an illusion...

Life is an illusion, Geetha says.

yes i have read it a long time ago and understood wht it means.

then why did i make big fool of myself to possess you, all of you, to myself, only to myself....?

was i possessive or childish?

guess what?

everything came to a sudden stop the moment u said you are leaving....

and i realised onething

i was trying to see the illusion as reality

was it really an iullusion or real?

i never knew..never ever knew its going to be like this...

how do i look like?

When i was in school some said i looked like a malayalee(big ear ring and curly hair)

When i used to go to church some said i looked like a christian(rc)

When i was working in a muslim school some said i looked like a muslim(when i forgot my third eye)

When i came to malaysia some said i looked like malaysian indian

And today when i was trying hard finding my way out of a shopping mall an old man said i looked like a sinhalese

well, people fit me with their own convenient race and religion and

nobody said i look like a human?!

Its better not know to everything....

Something popped up when i was high(serious Air Asia) about my chat with my colleague...

Its better not to know what your kids are doing when they are away from home

Its better not to know all your spouse activites n friends

Its better not to know who your partner is hanging out with

Its better not to know who is misscalling your daughter at mid night

Its better not to know whats your colleague's salary is

Its better not to know why your boss is favouring someone

Its better not to know why some students like you

Its better not to know why some people are weird

Its better not to know why some people crave to look sexy even at their forties n fifties

Its better not to know how your future would be

because

Its better not to know everything around you.....

Before i continue with my Sabah expedition, an interlude...

What do we call people who make mistakes repeatedly, and never learn their mistakes? "To err is human" I donot think so. who will forgive you if you loose money every year a certain amount?

It happened to me, it is happening to me. I always think that i am unlucky when comes to ticket booking, especially air ticket. There was a time, i think 4 years back i booked a wrong date..guess what, it was air asia, you will never get your refund..(question, am i saving money?) My friend was so mad at me and asked me if i was really educated. Good God! Another time, I missed a flight from KL to Kuching, exactly ten minutes late, the flight took off and I broke into tears.....why does this happen to me, to me only?
Eversince, i made sure i had somebody with me to book the ticket, to check the time date etc. Before last year, for some reason..i did not book my return ticket from KL to Kuching until the i took off...(wht a gut or how careless?)I flew in Business class by Mass....A class treatment which is a different story.....

Wait the story is not over yet. Last year, it was not air asia, it was Indian airlines...i realised my flight time and date was exactly the day i was supposed to travel..guess what..i cancelled and booked again..I was not ready to take off from india..it was so sudden to know that you are flying that particular evening...links of events....I rebooked air asia..connecting Kuching..

DID I learn from my mistakes?

No, what happened to me last week? It's a long plan of visiting Singapore, since the price was very reasonable, since air asia is flying straight from Kuching to S'pore, since you donot have spend double flights, I planned and booked. Guess what? I forgot to get my visa...(India does not belong to ASEAN) there are only four days from my Sabah trip to Singapore. I approached all the travel agents, they said..so sorry miss..cannot take risks (people here are too scared to take risks..in my case everything is risk!) ok..now what to do?

I booked my ticket again from Kuching to KL and from Kl to S'pore....i am taking off tomorrow night to KL..........

So, is there any moral in this story...yeap....1) I always spent extra when I meant to save...2) I have never learnt anything from my mistakes.....and in future? who knows...?

Cosmic Energy..

Many a time, i have wondered when i received an invisible help, an ear, a hold, a shoulder at my desperate situation without asking anyone. And, I have wondered how could it happen. We are all connected, bonded with each other by an unknown power: the cosmic energy. It works very well for me. These days i am a bit down in sprit and today inexplicably bad. Things were out of control. I was depressed and in desperate situation. Not knowing what to do, not knowing who to talk, (you cann't talk everything to everybody), tired of the mental suffocation, i left my room and went for a walk.(as usual midnight, just finished). I almost finished my walk and i bumped into someone who has been trying to befriend me for some time. After engaging in a short conversation, i disconnected myself and i came back. I saw there were two missed calls from two different persons within a short gap of 2 minutes. One was from KL and the other was from New Zealand. Since i wasn't there to pick up the calls, they left messages in the box....they just wanted to know how i was doing...if I was ok...etc, ...etc,...My walking encounter, phone calls, messages everything happened in a short span of time, less than ten minutes...the time when i was in trouble, was waiting to let out my agony. What surprises me still is: I didnot call anyone to tell anything about me..i didn't even think of them today....they do not know what i am undergoing...but they came to help me silently...One thing i have noticed: the people who we think are close to us generally don't help us when we are in distress. Well, nothing much to say about them. The connection with the cosmic is magnificent, and miraculous. It knows what we want, when we want. All I havet to now is to watch and wait silently. Let the supreme energy guide me take control over me. Amen.

Sabah

Finally we made it. After a few weeks of struggle, our teams finally took off to Sabah. Few observations about Sabah: 1. the roads are slightly narrow compared to Kuching. 2. the city is slightly crowded: its neither empty(Kuching) nor congested with racing human heads(KL), just trying to prove its existence: a fine balance. 3. Its really foreign: a lot of adventurours tourists whose passion is to explore all the islands around sabah. I understand there is an island only for tourists who wanders around naked, and i was told not to go there, simply becuase i was alone. (so sad, should i get a companion for this? i wonder) 4. It has kina balu mountain on one side and south china sea on the other side, so it is a long strech of city..we walked walked walked to and fro to find some good food(of course for me!). 5. people are friendlier than kuchinglites, cars waited for us to cross the road, 6. The city is quite clean, neat and beautiful(if you have mountains and beaches why not?) the govt is taking so much effort in making the plcae likable,(if tourism is the one main income, then what else?) and so on and so forth....

Today morning was unusal for me, i woke up early around 6.30? (late riser), went to temple, the weather was perfect, neither sunny nor rainy, just perfect, so i went did some stuff that i normally postpone to last minute....it was good to see people busy making their life...somewhat meaningful..so did i!!!!

My dip in the sea and the lessons of debate: continued, tomorrow..........now need to sleep.......