quietude...

                                                                                                                        03.05.2022 / 4.10 PM

There is quietness in her heart. Or in her mind? Or perhaps, both? 

Yeah, whatever, this quietness engulfed her all over her all of a sudden. This few days' break was much needed one. As usual, the first day, she was busy with her household chores. Followed by the ritualistic prayer and lunch on No moon day (Amavasai), she slept well in the afternoon. The kind of sleep she had was equally most wanted. She failed to recall the last time at peace with herself and her surroundings. Perhaps, last year or much before that. She could faintly remember the time. It was followed by her visit to a doctor. She consulted him for her chronic pain. To her shock, the doctor prescribed her only two medicines, half each..one in the morning and another at night. 

She couldn't comprehend his words. The doctor swept away all her chronic history and complaints and didn't bother to listen to her anymore. He cut her between her talks and said, "you're physically ok, but you have to take care of your mental health". Huh...what...physically ok??? 

How could he make a sweeping judgement? But still, as intuition dictated, she started taking the medicines along with a couple of yoga mudras. Gradually she felt better. Quietness followed her, Quietness filled her space.. But again, after sometime, as the routine started, she felt lost. 

Now, something is happening or something else is happening.  There is pain, chronic pain, physical pain coupled with mental pain.she is not on any medication..but there is calmness. what is happening? 

She can feel the difference. She doesn't talk much..she doesn't think much..so quiet as the deep sea....without turbulances...That doesn't mean she freed herself from issues, pressing problems..she has all of them as she had..in fact, now she has more of them...they are insurmountable. But still, there is calmness..incomprehensible calmness. Despite her efforts to find out the reasons or her surprise, she failed to nail it. She is lost in confusion. Yet, she embraced it wholeheartedly. She even enjoys it. The kind of peace it brings is abundance. She is filled with peace, and she allows the peace to take over her and taking a slow pace of life. The duties and responsibilities stretch over in front of her..but still, she takes control over them. One thing at a time! 

The uncertainties are extended.....the questions are unanswered...the wait is getting longer... she is plagued by deficiencies and crippled with pain...chronic pain.. 

And yet, there is calmness! Let her be filled with engulfed with quietude...for now and ever!

My (google) read...

My reading has taken a back seat for some time now. Reading, as in my kind of reading. I wasn't able to read even few lines from my favourite newspapers. The most painful part is, both papers are online available and have a limited access to articles because they are international papers. The maximum number of articles are only ten as a free read.

Mobile has made the mobility increased reading on the go..I read with my phone these days. So, when I open a page to read, I go on to few other pages to read when I want clarification on something or when my eyes fall on something interesting on the same page.  If the page disappears for any reason, there is a count down in the number of articles.

Because of my busy schedule and God knows what makes me busy, my reading time and quality has decreased alarmingly. I feel guilty and feel the day was wasted without any possible reading. But I don't stop browsing for news or other news stories. So, when I come across an interesting article,  I keep on adding the tabs on google page, at times up to 10 or more with the hope of reading them soon.

I get scoldings for opening too many tabs when I complain of slow process of mobile. But, there is nothing I can do about it. Contrary to my plan, my no- read- mode mind continues for weeks. I changed my strategy of following the pages by either saving them for later read or send them to my mail.

But there is a disadvantage in doing it. The reading does not take place at all. When the mobile is required to be shut down, all the pages go off. Tracing the browsing history and reading is impossible most of the times because of the limited access as I mentioned earlier.

So, this time, I tried very hard and succeeded in making it happen. I managed to read two different articles yesterday and today which I was holding on to for more than ten days at least. Both are about mind. I noticed I developed an inclination towards learning about mind. Mind is a marvellous creation of God!

So it happened this evening, after my nap, with a cup of coffee, I finished reading an article.
Reading after a nap is faster and the mind can absorb information. Unlike the recent days, this afternoon, the mind was calm and composed, perhaps best of it's form.

Three minutes magic...

What can you possibly do in three minutes?
If you can cook noodles in two minutes, you can very well do more than that in three minutes.
The past Sunday, I was on a mission of finding an accommodation.
As I promised the lady that I would be there between ten to eleven, I rushed.
I got into an auto and reached the metro station. Anna Nagar West to keelkatalai bus travel was beyond imagination and the idea of going by metro upto alandur seemed a good option. Passing by Cmbt and vadapalani by road is frightening.

So, I got down from the auto and stepped on to the platform. As I was approaching the lift, I heard the announcement, "the next train to St. Thomas mount arrives in three minutes".
I didn't give much thought about it when entering the lift, but after a couple of seconds, somehow the idea of catching the train got into my head and I started to speed up.

I managed more than what I thought I could do.

So, these are the things that you can do in three minutes...
* You can rush from the elevator, cross the road and walked upto the ticket counter.
* You can bargain with the cashier for change, argue, pretend that's the only two hundred rupees note you have, and eventually get her give you the change
*You can walk upto the security check and scan yourself and your handbag.
* You can recognise the security officer who smiles at your gesture for reaching out to your bags.. while thinking of his sense of humour and his easiness with the passenger and wonder at his ability to relate and read your gesture and urgency.
* You can still reach the platform after collecting the bag, and take a deep breath when looking at the digital board displaying, "the next train reaches in one minute".

So, you can do all the above in two minutes only, precisely.

I wouldn't have been known that I could do  so much had I not tried.  You never know what you are capable of unless you try.

Not too bad, it was worth a try.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is money there is life!

I updated my whatsapp status with the above lines this morning.  I received a reply from my friend denying the status.  I have my reason and I respect her reason to deny. Aren't we all different in our understanding of the world?

Past few days, few weeks, perhaps, few years have been frustrating. Hoping in vain. Hard work, hard work, effort after effort, seem to be failing. Sometimes, you would not know why you work so much. Work without pay does not seem to equate life.  Loving your work, contributing more to the work that you love and to society can be fulfilled only when the basic necessities of life are met. At least, getting bread and butter and other essentials need to be met.

Trust me, in my circle, I am the only one. I wonder what was the grave mistake that caused me so much suffering and what can I do to fix it. I have been on the righteous path, ethically and morally good, responsible to the family and to society etc. As per the premises, if the moral righteousness is correct, I should be leading a struggle free life. But nonetheless, the world is built around different premises. If you are morally correct, you are more liable to be having financially tough life. Ethics and money do not equate with each other. They are different poles but attract few people.

Ever since I remember, I have been struggling to make both ends meet. If there is no progress in our work or in our financial condition, we should watch our behaviour. I follow my heart.  Perhaps, following your heart is not the right thing to do when it does not do any good to you. I help people.. At least, my people. I believe, helping your family is the first or the most important sign of care. Ignoring your family but focusing on the society is a hypocrisy.

But anyways, there is a lesson behind this suffering. To be more careful, to be more calculative. I am very cautious, very careful in every step that I take. I am a new me. I wish I had followed this in my early life. It's too late.

Having less or nothing is equal to dying. Luxury, survival, and living have different connotations in life. If you are unable to make the ends meet, all struggles, wisdom, knowledge and experience loses its meaning.

Trust me, Money can buy you anything.

Reading "Adultery" by Paulo Coelho

Adultery. My colleague was bewildered by looking at the book cover. I expected.  I expected mixed reactions from at least few people. Well I did not take the book to my workplace so it escaped being noticed and I escaped being judged. 

Well, I live in a society which judges everything and everyone by its cover, I mean appearance. Be it a book or a person.  And I am brought up not to care, to be bluntly, not to give a damn about it. Brought up by many things and few people. 

So, I purchased the book approximately 10 months ago, and trust me I didn't have time to read it. Seriously. I mean every sense of its word. I was busy busy and busy. Some revelation happened few days back...sort of waking up from a long slumber. I woke up or my inner self woke up to realise that there are few other things or perhaps many other things that matter in the world than what I was doing. I am sure you know what I mean!

A long slumber gives you the power to forget things and rejuvenates the self and helps you with more meaning in the world. And so it happened to me. After a short but deep nap two days back,  it was a flashing but compulsive thought to read something. While I was in the kitchen getting my coffee, my mind was busy browsing what to read and picked up Paulo Coelho.  One of his books still left unread was "Adultery". 

My introduction to Paulo Coelho was through a Tamil translation of his Zakir. The translation was so good and so smooth. The language (Tamil) and the concept took me to a different level of awareness. I purchased, (I always buy and never borrow even from a library) series of his books, read one after the other. I read them all.

As in the case of his other novels, this also talks about revelation, realisation, discovery and identification of the self. The main character of the novel is a woman, a married woman who is loving and lovable. She leads a wonderful, contented and peaceful life with the children and the husband. She is blessed with what many people do not have in life: real or fictional. However, simply because of boredom, she wants to experiment something that is different from the routine. There begins the problem. Since she lives in a closed, perfect country, not knowing what else to do, she tries to restart her relationship, eventually she did, with her school days boy friend who also has a peaceful life.  And the story goes on and on with the turns and twists, mostly unexpected, and finally the revelation comes. She realises that nothing is more important than family, the usual conventions of a married woman. And it is her husband who helps her in redemption. I can't imagine this in Indian context!

The book, of course, is not his best,  at least for the people who have read Zakir, Pilgrimage, Veronica or the Alchemist. His characterisation is similar to his previous novels. The goal or the objective, whatever you may call, is clear and the same like his previous novels. The transition and transformation is also the same, and the role of other minor characters are also similar. The novel's setting is different.  

After completing the novel, I was wondering why would the protagonist came out with boredom as the reason to for risking one's life and reputation.  When a woman commits adultery, the whole family is at stake unlike men. It is a universal phenomenon. Contrary to many stereotyped men, the husband understands her and gives her the option-to stay or to leave.  Very few characters are generous, in real life too. 

The best aspect of Paulo's writing is the style, and may also be the translator's. The way in which he takes you through the process of realisation is overwhelming. The process and the minor characters you meet in between before the destination is fantastic. However, the theme of his novels are the same with slight variation. 

Not too bad, it is a good read. But, may I not read him anymore? Don't know.    

  

My Coffee craving....

It's a calling from the brain....not from the tongue. You can certainly avoid yielding to your tongue but not the calling from your brain....because it affects productivity which is all about my work, my reading and my writing.

I just finished my lunch. A typical simple south Indian sambar and potato fry with a small piece of murukku. Soon after I finished my last gulp, I felt like having coffee, strong hot coffee.. my friend was laughing at my urge to have coffee at this time..for many people coffee after lunch is odd. I am sorry, they may not know what it means!.

I don't follow any routine when comes to coffee. I take it when I feel like having it...that said...there are times that I skip it too...like yesterday evening. Mostly I prefer filter coffee except for very rare occasions. The mixture of coffee and milk has to be proportionate and I don't add water in the milk. I prefer pure milk...the decoction has to be freshly made. I bring coffee powder from my native town..from a very famous brewing shop or Green label from Bru. I still remember the aroma of Ipoh White Coffee.

Trust me, coffee can do wonders to you. It is a secret recipe... to start a conversation....to keep the friendship together. It provides a luxurious space for yourself with no disturbances and takes you to your own self. Try taking coffee at a nice weather preferably sitting next to window overseeing the world or greens or water around you...you will know what I mean. You can savour the world as you savour the coffee.

It's only 12.40 here..and the weather is slightly better ..windy since last few weeks... I don't know why on earth only Chennai is so hot and dry...I feel like having coffee at my desk and do my reading or writing..or whatever I am doing which is a luxury that is not offered here.

While walking back to the department with a cup of coffee...a colleague of mine in the lift said he was obviously surprised by my idea of taking the coffee to the department..he said that I am the second person he sees someone who carries coffee and prefers to have coffee at the desk. He was obviously confused with the idea. By the time you walk back to the place, the coffee would get old.

I have great fans for the coffee I prepare. Many times I am disappointed that some good restaurants do not offer good coffee. And, I am happy with my coffee craving. It is a green signal that my mind or brain is ready to work... People keep telling me to avoid it.. something beyond imagination. My day breaks with a strong super filter coffee..taken at my convenient pace. There are even times I go for the second cup soon after I take the first one if the first one is not soul fulfilling. There is a lot behind the science of coffee craving..later ..after my coffee. 😋😋

Being a woman...

I am not a feminist.  I am not a non-feminist. I am an individual who believes that men and women are differently born- biologically, emotionally, physically and psychologically and are here, either by choice or by chance, to fulfil different roles in society.

Recently, Women's Day was celebrated with much pomp and gaiety all around the world.  Proliferated activities and events took place: Women's strike in Spain, Me Too movement in South Korea, first ever march in Pakistan and so on.  There was a variety of competitions in schools and colleges, and awareness programmes on women safety and honouring of women towards their contribution etc. to mark the day.

While it is encouraging to see the recognition and appreciation for women's contribution in their respected fields, it is equally important to understand the nature of women. It is not easy to be a woman; be it a career woman or homely woman (housewife). It requires a lot of sacrifices, compromises and losses.  These are, most of the time, to make others happy. Of course, there is no doubt it gives a sense of accomplishment in the contribution. But, it should be within one's own limitations.

The society is unfair. It expects women to work more and take a dual role or multiple roles.  It is too sweet to tell women that they are multitasking, multifaceted, dynamic and so on only to extract work. Alas!..the women are too naive to understand and keeps trying to be the pillar of her society, whatever it may be.

However, the world is different.  Everything is said and done in men's perspective, men's utility and men's convenience.  The world has seen strong female personalities and leaders in the past and continues to have them in the present.  Men understand them and accept them inferior or precisely 'chooses' to be so. It is clear from the point of student's answer to a question which requires him to write a definition of a 'washing machine'. I was shocked to find his answer- "second wife".  What an attitude about women! How is the student going to respect his mother, sister and understand his wife?

The fear of accepting women as they are with their smartness and the intellectual qualities stems from the insecurity of men and the deep down desire for domination. Men expect women to sweep the floor than to fix a computer despite the fact that he knows she is better at fixing the computer than the man.  Trust me, it takes a great courage to accept women for who she is. They fear women for her strong willpower. Men tackle them in any of the two ways: physical or mental assault. Poor men!

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and are born to complement to the world with a unique purpose in life.