Change .....

And again, I am set for another change.  Why would anyone want to change often? or as often as one cannot take? Well, no adventure or any sort of thing but something. And that something will always be there everywhere. But again, that something differs from place to place. Some changes occur with intense desire whereas some happen without our knowledge.

This time, I am in control of the change. Except for the bit of anxitey. I liked the feeling. It was good, more professional. The conversation that was exchanged was also very professional. There was a shock but with understanding. And so the conversation was good.  I am anxious about the future. Everytime you change there are fundamental things that change along with. The unfortunate thing is you cannot be in two places which I very much want to experience.  

Well, for changes to happen there is soemting inevitable should happen. Decision. I believe any decision that you take will influence your future.  You cannot control your desicion nor you can control the impact it may bring. Though it may seem that you are the one you decide, your decision is not yours. The decision that you take is the outcome of your past. Your good and bad experiences and its lessons, pains etc etc. And every decision you make is your choice. But there is no free choice. Its controlled.

There is something awaiting. Something again. I am clear, calm, and tranquility prevails me.

Hope this change is for good.

It's been a long time...!

It's a mixed feeling today.  It's one of the rare moments that I get. A mixed feeling of my existence. Existence of the past and future. And present?  Past and future will recur in the mind when the present is not promising.

The gloomy weather brings gloomy thoughts. The breeze is chill and I smell rain. It should be raining somewhere. My colleague exclaimed,"What a weather in the month of March!" I couldn't exclaim, nor could I think about any thing. I refused to think or to do anything. All I  wanted was to take a walk, long walk. The one such walk I used to take in the past, distance past. I didn't walk for the past two years. Well, I am still alive.  But, there is difference in the way I live. A life with walking and a life without walking. Unfortunately, I am confined with duties and responsibilities. I took a short break from my routine. Its good to listen to your heart once in a while.

The mixed feeling is about the way in which I exit. If existence is mere eating, sleeping and living, then I exist. But usually this is not the case. I exist, but I ceased to exist the way I wanted to exist.  Its the weather takes me back and froth. Eventually I found myself in talking to you. A nice escape from reality. A delve into the past. Visited my old places. See there is the smile! You may be wondering at my bluffing. But wait, it is not bluffing. 

The mixed feeling is about the present and future. A sudden lightening thought engulfed me ever since I started to smell the fresh rain. I never knew there would be a problem in breathing fresh air. May be we are not used to it for sometime! It's been a long time!  I am too lazy to think.

 Its still gloomy outside and I love to walk again. 

Yes, I am stupid ...because you said so!!!

This is the second time that the intellectual side of my ego was deeply hurt. However, I was not in debating mood to challenge the statement and nor am I interested to prove who I am after all these years. There is a point in time where you strive to get better grades in school, and there is another point in your life where you strive to get better job than rest of your friends. Every point in our life there is stage, and we all want to be better than others. 

But there are exceptions. Exception in extreme sides. And of course, being exceptional is and not excuse. Now, the stage that I am referring to was not a level playing stage for me. There were times that I couldn’t even dare to step on it. Well, that was history. 

I strongly condemn our education system which judge a student by the grade and which encourages students to memorize and vomit in exam and get first class or distinction.Creativity,critical thinking, lateral thinking are way too far away from us. The worst part is every parent and student is obsessed in scoring high marks in order to be sold, marketed.  I mean employed. The parents are the one who pass and who fail in the exam.  For them, the tuition fee is an investment. And, Ironically, the so called "I"st class graduates are not “I”st class in other aspects of education! Sorry to say this.

Well, my parent, I mean my father was different. He gave me the freedom, he introduced me to the world, wanted me to acquire knowledge, explore into theories and concepts, ranging from politics to economics or world affairs to religion. Neither I nor my father was not into this rate race. I was offered a free seat in science stream, which would have made me a doctor if I wanted, as kutti always wished.  I didn’t care. Or I didn’t know.  Then, there was too little parental guidance, at least in my case.  Now it is too much. Every single parent is talking about campus-campus interview. Wait, I did not fail in any exam, it is just that I did not get First class in my UG. And so what? The world did not shut its door on me. My result in 
M.Phil was outstanding with 2nd rank in the university. So, am I stupid or intelligent? 

I can quote as many billionaires and intellectuals who did not even attend school. And history remembers them!  The recent announcement by few IT companies that arrears don’t matter in recruitment as long as they are able to communicate in English well means that IT companies are hiring ‘not so intelligent’ graduates?

I am in the constant search of something beyond the “I”st class. Confining me to your first class makes me laugh.Well, I didn’t feel insulted by your statement but most certainly, yes, my intelligence did!

a desire ....

"If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing then the desire is not to write" Hugh Prather.

I found the above line in Amitabh's blog. Yes, Amitabh Bachan. His blog is one of my often read blogs. He is passionate in what he is doing. Blog, for many, is scrambling. For him, like me, its more of talking to oneself. I wanted to be a writer when I started reading Tamil Novels, specifically Balakurmaran. I finished reading all his novels and went on finishing Jayakandan, Vasanthi, Janakiraman, Sivasankarai, Anuradha Ramanan, Sujatha and many more. I used to read until 3 or 4 in the morning and be late for morning house hold duties, got scolding from dad..thats a story by itself.

Reading, a good reading, will somehow end up in writing. Its reactive/reflective reading. You either write in a piece of paper or in your mind. The later in most cases. Its a matter of many things.  You will be surprised to find quite a number of amazing writers- mind writers, like bath room singers. I am yet to acquire the skills; the art of writing and perseverance.

I am surprised to read Amitabh's blog for main two reasons: 1. He writes everyday. 2. The time, he writes even at the late hour of the day. He writes before he sleeps. I can imagine his schedule. Despite his tight schedule he makes it a point to write daily. His command of English and style are truly commendable.

Well, I am not Mr Amitabh. Or any celebrity, who is surrounded by men and money to attend to household or daily routine. I am the man and the woman of my house and I am yet to be blessed with money which attracts people to do things for me. However, my wish to retire as a writer is getting stronger:)

Writing is one of my still-alive dreams, unless I die without writing anything at all. Who knows what life has for you! Many a times I wished to be Keats or Bharathi, who wrote at the very young age and died young. I am guilty of my empty life and I am equally unhappy about its futileness. When you look back, you should have a sense of fulfillment.

I do write, mostly daily in my mind. There are days I can't even think of anything expect the toil of daily life. Mental, physical and spiritual tiredness engulf me recently. I am also, at times afraid, I may die without producing any worth of art. The struggle of survival and the hope of winning over the struggle keep flashing intermittently.

Amen!

The "I"s in me...

"One who feels as he ought to feel, and the who one who feels the opposite". Charles Dickens's state of mind most of his life time. Well, I don't feel the opposite nor do I write negative characters out of the opposite, though I may. Thank God I am not the only one. And there may be few of you who feel the duality of the existence.
This is not a split personality. Nor is this a confused personality. Rather you are different entities living at the same time. The two “I”s are travelling parallel at different planes at different altitudes.

It so happens to ordinary human like me, to ignore the one or the other in the case of not knowing which me is the predominant me. Let us assume the 1st me is materialistic and the 2nd me is non materialistic and you are a person of non material. However you are forced, forced, to live the life of a materialistic man. In this case, I believe, that you ignore the other. To the worse, you might even kill the other. In a long run, you might even forget the other. However, this isn't the case always. The forgotten self may surface at unexpected time for unknown reason. You may end up guilty.

More often I wonder the existence of duality. The study of human mind is deep and vast and coming to a definite conclusion of the self or about its existence is impossible. I have watched people who do not give a damn about mind or about its duality or multiplicity and living a peaceful life. But I always hear a voice; a compelling voice. A voice keeps reminding me that I am meant to do something else from what I have been doing now. How much ever I convince (cheat) myself by telling that things happening now are for good and it is a Divine intervention in my life, the other refuses to accept and I end up having sleepless nights.

Though there is no confusion or question of which "I" is predominant and which one should be predominant, making the wish into reality is tough. And the question is if I would let both "I"s alive or going to kill one for the sake of other.

Let me wait and see. ..

Compatibility Crisis

My Professor once advised me that I should be careful when I choose my life partner that I have to make sure that the person I am looking for is someone who appreciates literature and life in general. There was a warning in my Professor's tone.  And literature doesn’t mean just reading books. Literature is the reflection of life.  I laughed at him but I understood and agreed to his idea. Though compatibility is a matter of discussion only in relationships, I would like to generalize the term widely to anybody whoever you are with: house mate, colleagues, sister, father, aunt, son, mom, or a drive with your friend or friends or anyone who are with for some period of time or longer.  I don't dare to take a drive or walking to the canteen for a cup of coffee with a friend who is ununderstanding, unappreciative of  life.

I really missed my sister Malls when I had a cup of strong coffee at the restaurant two days back.  And you are least expected to hear " yeah the coffee is nice, so what?" when you still enjoying the coffee that you had a while ago. Brenda would understand exactly the way I felt with what a cup of strong filter coffee would do. It's a Divine Drink!  Hell, life was a living hell at that point of time. Well, I am slightly expressive, in certain things.  I express my happiness. I express my admiration.  That is spontaneity. And not everyone can appreciate the good things in the world even if they know the things are good.  People who are spontaneous and genuine are getting lesser and lesser these days.

Life would turn into a living hell if you are with a person who can't understand the little things that you enjoy and appreciate; like the gentle  breeze,  drizzle, or enjoying a nice poem. Talking about poem and reading, I have issues with people who have fundamental problem in understanding.  It takes so much energy to explain, justify what you read, what you saw and what you do anything.  And perhaps this is one of the main reasons why I am left with only few friends or to be specific, few people.  I better be alone. I need my energy. You can't demand appreciation of life in everyone around you. Now I am having compatibility crisis. Of all the crisis, this is a serious one for a good reason. In a long run you may loose yourself as I am afraid of me now.  The funny part of this is:  this is not at all a matter to them in life. I guess they are ignorant of the fact that how much it means in once life to appreciate things that they deserve and to have a compatible person as a friend, a mentor, a sister or anyone you spend your quality time with. And you can't teach a b c of this.  This is something inborn. Or it takes great energy to know, to realize and to become one which demands the greatest virtue - Patience. And the reason why no relationship - all the ships including..doesn't last long is  because of this. We have no tolerance, respect or interest for people, for their feelings, for their self.

Until that happens, the crisis will continue…

A chapter unsought

Its hot. Unbearably hot. Its understandable that I am sleepy this afternoon. Yet I am trying to do anything possibly that i can do in order to avoid my nap. I don't want to get into that habit. I am doing nothing. Yet I am busy and I have no free time.  Not free enough to do anything I like to do. Like reading my favorute book, thinking, or updating my blog. Talking about reading, it's been months since I read anything solid. Finishing the entire Hindu itself becomes hard most of the days. Having learnt from my past experience not to question the present, I am allowing myself to go through whatever I am destined to go through at this phase of my life. Well, no regrets though there, certainly, are some complaints.   

I fill up my time and myself with BBC, HBO, Star, The Hindu and Internet so that I don't miss too much of myself. But still, there are some aspects of me is lost, I guess.  I hope I can revive them as I am reviving those few others that I lost long time back.

Trust me; this is the first time I am here at my native since I was four.  We moved for another place due to my Dad's transfer.  I was only a visitor all these while which makes things even tougher. Getting to know people and thier attitude requires more time, energy and patience. I am biting my tongue on many occasions. Straightforwardness or directness doesn't win many things here. Also, timeframe doesn’t work. People are at their own pace. 

Frequent power cuts freak me out. Power cut in this summer? Ridiculous.  And Assembly election is round the corner. Who, in the right frame of mind will suggest this power cuts at this election time? Unfortunately  people are not that serious to think about power cuts.  They are so used to it. So sad. They are looking for better freebies from the parties.  And of course, I am under house arrest. I am scared (!?) to go out in the evening. Yeah, repeated unpleasant happenings on the way to the neighboring town, small though, scares me away from going out however urgent and important the task is. Well, I still want to live for few more years at least :)! And 'my guardian angels' - my people - are preventing me from going out. Self  choosen role. No harm in giving them the happiness. I recalled what our lawyer said - you are your guardian. 

If Gandhiji was alive today, I probably would give him a teaspoon of sugar, if not some Bengali Sweet. Yeah, Villages are the real faces of a country. Well, for the sake of something unknown, I should refrain from saying anything negative about it.  I will have no regrets of not living in a village setup. Well don’t ask me if it were a life to be or not to be missed. I really don’t know. Certain experiences are unpleasant and unwelcoming. By facing them you have nothing to learn/lose.

Besides the routine, I am learning to make some new items in the kitchen, like pickle. My adopted son, a cat, and a dog are my companions right now. 

 There is one person who would certainly feel happy with my presence filled in this house is missing. And I do ask myself why was I not here when I was needed to be here!?