a desire ....

"If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing then the desire is not to write" Hugh Prather.

I found the above line in Amitabh's blog. Yes, Amitabh Bachan. His blog is one of my often read blogs. He is passionate in what he is doing. Blog, for many, is scrambling. For him, like me, its more of talking to oneself. I wanted to be a writer when I started reading Tamil Novels, specifically Balakurmaran. I finished reading all his novels and went on finishing Jayakandan, Vasanthi, Janakiraman, Sivasankarai, Anuradha Ramanan, Sujatha and many more. I used to read until 3 or 4 in the morning and be late for morning house hold duties, got scolding from dad..thats a story by itself.

Reading, a good reading, will somehow end up in writing. Its reactive/reflective reading. You either write in a piece of paper or in your mind. The later in most cases. Its a matter of many things.  You will be surprised to find quite a number of amazing writers- mind writers, like bath room singers. I am yet to acquire the skills; the art of writing and perseverance.

I am surprised to read Amitabh's blog for main two reasons: 1. He writes everyday. 2. The time, he writes even at the late hour of the day. He writes before he sleeps. I can imagine his schedule. Despite his tight schedule he makes it a point to write daily. His command of English and style are truly commendable.

Well, I am not Mr Amitabh. Or any celebrity, who is surrounded by men and money to attend to household or daily routine. I am the man and the woman of my house and I am yet to be blessed with money which attracts people to do things for me. However, my wish to retire as a writer is getting stronger:)

Writing is one of my still-alive dreams, unless I die without writing anything at all. Who knows what life has for you! Many a times I wished to be Keats or Bharathi, who wrote at the very young age and died young. I am guilty of my empty life and I am equally unhappy about its futileness. When you look back, you should have a sense of fulfillment.

I do write, mostly daily in my mind. There are days I can't even think of anything expect the toil of daily life. Mental, physical and spiritual tiredness engulf me recently. I am also, at times afraid, I may die without producing any worth of art. The struggle of survival and the hope of winning over the struggle keep flashing intermittently.

Amen!

The "I"s in me...

"One who feels as he ought to feel, and the who one who feels the opposite". Charles Dickens's state of mind most of his life time. Well, I don't feel the opposite nor do I write negative characters out of the opposite, though I may. Thank God I am not the only one. And there may be few of you who feel the duality of the existence.
This is not a split personality. Nor is this a confused personality. Rather you are different entities living at the same time. The two “I”s are travelling parallel at different planes at different altitudes.

It so happens to ordinary human like me, to ignore the one or the other in the case of not knowing which me is the predominant me. Let us assume the 1st me is materialistic and the 2nd me is non materialistic and you are a person of non material. However you are forced, forced, to live the life of a materialistic man. In this case, I believe, that you ignore the other. To the worse, you might even kill the other. In a long run, you might even forget the other. However, this isn't the case always. The forgotten self may surface at unexpected time for unknown reason. You may end up guilty.

More often I wonder the existence of duality. The study of human mind is deep and vast and coming to a definite conclusion of the self or about its existence is impossible. I have watched people who do not give a damn about mind or about its duality or multiplicity and living a peaceful life. But I always hear a voice; a compelling voice. A voice keeps reminding me that I am meant to do something else from what I have been doing now. How much ever I convince (cheat) myself by telling that things happening now are for good and it is a Divine intervention in my life, the other refuses to accept and I end up having sleepless nights.

Though there is no confusion or question of which "I" is predominant and which one should be predominant, making the wish into reality is tough. And the question is if I would let both "I"s alive or going to kill one for the sake of other.

Let me wait and see. ..

Compatibility Crisis

My Professor once advised me that I should be careful when I choose my life partner that I have to make sure that the person I am looking for is someone who appreciates literature and life in general. There was a warning in my Professor's tone.  And literature doesn’t mean just reading books. Literature is the reflection of life.  I laughed at him but I understood and agreed to his idea. Though compatibility is a matter of discussion only in relationships, I would like to generalize the term widely to anybody whoever you are with: house mate, colleagues, sister, father, aunt, son, mom, or a drive with your friend or friends or anyone who are with for some period of time or longer.  I don't dare to take a drive or walking to the canteen for a cup of coffee with a friend who is ununderstanding, unappreciative of  life.

I really missed my sister Malls when I had a cup of strong coffee at the restaurant two days back.  And you are least expected to hear " yeah the coffee is nice, so what?" when you still enjoying the coffee that you had a while ago. Brenda would understand exactly the way I felt with what a cup of strong filter coffee would do. It's a Divine Drink!  Hell, life was a living hell at that point of time. Well, I am slightly expressive, in certain things.  I express my happiness. I express my admiration.  That is spontaneity. And not everyone can appreciate the good things in the world even if they know the things are good.  People who are spontaneous and genuine are getting lesser and lesser these days.

Life would turn into a living hell if you are with a person who can't understand the little things that you enjoy and appreciate; like the gentle  breeze,  drizzle, or enjoying a nice poem. Talking about poem and reading, I have issues with people who have fundamental problem in understanding.  It takes so much energy to explain, justify what you read, what you saw and what you do anything.  And perhaps this is one of the main reasons why I am left with only few friends or to be specific, few people.  I better be alone. I need my energy. You can't demand appreciation of life in everyone around you. Now I am having compatibility crisis. Of all the crisis, this is a serious one for a good reason. In a long run you may loose yourself as I am afraid of me now.  The funny part of this is:  this is not at all a matter to them in life. I guess they are ignorant of the fact that how much it means in once life to appreciate things that they deserve and to have a compatible person as a friend, a mentor, a sister or anyone you spend your quality time with. And you can't teach a b c of this.  This is something inborn. Or it takes great energy to know, to realize and to become one which demands the greatest virtue - Patience. And the reason why no relationship - all the ships including..doesn't last long is  because of this. We have no tolerance, respect or interest for people, for their feelings, for their self.

Until that happens, the crisis will continue…

A chapter unsought

Its hot. Unbearably hot. Its understandable that I am sleepy this afternoon. Yet I am trying to do anything possibly that i can do in order to avoid my nap. I don't want to get into that habit. I am doing nothing. Yet I am busy and I have no free time.  Not free enough to do anything I like to do. Like reading my favorute book, thinking, or updating my blog. Talking about reading, it's been months since I read anything solid. Finishing the entire Hindu itself becomes hard most of the days. Having learnt from my past experience not to question the present, I am allowing myself to go through whatever I am destined to go through at this phase of my life. Well, no regrets though there, certainly, are some complaints.   

I fill up my time and myself with BBC, HBO, Star, The Hindu and Internet so that I don't miss too much of myself. But still, there are some aspects of me is lost, I guess.  I hope I can revive them as I am reviving those few others that I lost long time back.

Trust me; this is the first time I am here at my native since I was four.  We moved for another place due to my Dad's transfer.  I was only a visitor all these while which makes things even tougher. Getting to know people and thier attitude requires more time, energy and patience. I am biting my tongue on many occasions. Straightforwardness or directness doesn't win many things here. Also, timeframe doesn’t work. People are at their own pace. 

Frequent power cuts freak me out. Power cut in this summer? Ridiculous.  And Assembly election is round the corner. Who, in the right frame of mind will suggest this power cuts at this election time? Unfortunately  people are not that serious to think about power cuts.  They are so used to it. So sad. They are looking for better freebies from the parties.  And of course, I am under house arrest. I am scared (!?) to go out in the evening. Yeah, repeated unpleasant happenings on the way to the neighboring town, small though, scares me away from going out however urgent and important the task is. Well, I still want to live for few more years at least :)! And 'my guardian angels' - my people - are preventing me from going out. Self  choosen role. No harm in giving them the happiness. I recalled what our lawyer said - you are your guardian. 

If Gandhiji was alive today, I probably would give him a teaspoon of sugar, if not some Bengali Sweet. Yeah, Villages are the real faces of a country. Well, for the sake of something unknown, I should refrain from saying anything negative about it.  I will have no regrets of not living in a village setup. Well don’t ask me if it were a life to be or not to be missed. I really don’t know. Certain experiences are unpleasant and unwelcoming. By facing them you have nothing to learn/lose.

Besides the routine, I am learning to make some new items in the kitchen, like pickle. My adopted son, a cat, and a dog are my companions right now. 

 There is one person who would certainly feel happy with my presence filled in this house is missing. And I do ask myself why was I not here when I was needed to be here!?   

Reverse Culture Shock ..

My first speech competition won me a trophy at Area Level Toastmasters International Speech Contest. And the speech title was, "Culture shock". I spoke about the shocking culture of Malaysia, more specifically Sarawak. And within few years I had a shock over my own place, I mean, origin of birth.

It has been exactly one month and 5 days since I have arrived Chennai, a slightly longer break than my previous breaks. And my life has a slow pace. And the slow pace has given me ample time to observe and study everything around me.

1.     Men – Most of them are so ungentlemanly. How sad! Perhaps I should recommend the Govt. to provide some sort of awareness programme to teach to be gentlemen. It was two days after I arrived. I was onto my home town with not less than 30 kg of baggage and whatever. I had to miss two buses because I couldn’t transfer the bags! And the bus conductor was so unfriendly and inhumane to think of helping me. Having said that, I have to agree that there are very few good souls still alive and that’s why it is still raining?! A co passenger helped me. 

    It was an over bridge in Nanganallur railway station. An old man of approximately seventy was climbing up the stairs with a brief case in his hand while a young man was climbing down the stairs. They bumped into each other; one has to move in order for the two of them to reach their destinations. The old man was waiting for the young man to move and give some way but the other one was so stubborn and arrogant enough to stand and block the whole stairs creating inconvenience for the rest of the people.  Realizing the waste of time and energy in expecting the young chap to move, the old man managed to get some way and left the place with a weak walk. Where is the empathy? I felt bad.

2.     Married men: What a pity! One particular day, I called four of my friends who are married. And none of them picked up my call or calls.  They called me after a while. They explained the reason why they couldn't pick up the call. Very unreliable. What are they afraid of?  Good, they are neither my college mates nor my child hood friends. Anu akka, Mitch and I had a good laugh. 

3.     The system:  Three days back in Chrompet, Akshay and I was waiting at city railway station ticket counter.  And the queue was long that it started from the counter and to the stairs. The ladies in the counter took their own time to change duties and one of them started chanting some mantras before she started issuing the tickets while the passengers were creating unrest. Knowing the increasing population of the City, why can't the govt open few more counters at least at the peak hours? With this system we learn an important virtue – Patience. Otherwise, we lose a lot of things the way I do. Who has the time to waste?

I went to Education Department to collect hall ticket for my niece. The officer pretended to be busy looking at his file ignoring my niece’s query. He answered her briefly looking at his file.  And I was losing my patience. I asked him and he had no choice but to answer me. Are they not paid? And where have they lost their smile? I am pretty sure that the Govt is giving them a lot of perks and allowances. The bank staff at CIMB had a badge "Serve with smile". Another officer whom we met on the same day was busy taking over the phone about his personal trip that they were planning. And this time, Nandhu, my niece lost her patience. She asked me, "Ma, are you not going to tell him to put the phone down and attend to us? if you are not then I will" We were attended shortly. The officer did not even say sorry. Manners?

It was Indian Bank, Kollidam Branch. My sister and I reached the bank around 11.30 in the morning in order to wind up the pension process of my dad. I started explain to the senior officer and with a grim face he answered, "Oh, you should come after 3.00 in the afternoon. Now we are busy with transaction and attending to customers”. Without a second of hesitation, I replied him that we would be back around 3.00 pm collecting the papers from the officer. Unexpected of my reaction, he cooled down a bit and said, "Oh wait, ma'm. Don't be upset, we are here to help you..blaw ..blaw..and blaw with a slight smile on his face. "My sister later told me that the officer might have expected me to request him with a pleading tone. And the officer looked at me irritantly when I acknowledged him for something with a double syllable Oh oh. Lolz..I realized I am in India. 

One morning, I called a notary public to get his appointment since I wanted some documents signed. While I was explaining to him on the phone, he cut short the conversation with a line, "come to my office". My cousin took me to his office only to find out that the lawyer has to go another office to sign which could be done only in the evening and we came back home in the hot weather. Up and down 35 kilometres in the bike exposed to the hot sun made me sick with fever the same evening. Can I not sue the lawyer for not listening to me properly to what I was saying on the phone? 

4.     The weather: It is hot. When I used to say Malaysia was hot, I was countered with a question, “Is it not India hot either?” I defended India so much.  It’s not just the heat. The hot weather comes with a package. The heat, dust, dirt and the sweat.  Alost all the places are congested. I cancelled my plans few days. (the brighter side - watched few nice movies at home) And most important of all is buying books.  I was sick with fever and other sorts of discomforts. My friend who is in Kuching commented that I needed to reacclimatize. Oh man!

5.     On a positive note:  It has been almost seven years since I travelled in local buses, all these trips, I always took cabs are autos and once in a while train. For one good reason;  my dad. Now....well. I changed to bus with a rare auto or car ride. Some of the city buses have been upgraded. The ticketing system has been changed, the conductors have a small device and they print ticket. Most of the buses are in good condition, some even remind me travelling in KL, not Kuching, Not bad. I forgot lot of routes and the fares. Some passengers are too good to believe, they helped me with seats, tickets and routes. I lost touch with base. I lost balance in the bus. My nephew was making fun of me that I don’t know how to travel by bus and since then he is taking me in his bike, Suzuki.

6.     Life Style: A considerable Americanization.  Dress code, eateries, cars, electronic gadgets, shopping malls, lifestyles and whatnots.  A lot of partying. Eat and be merry. Who cares, its my life kind of attitude. There seems to be a double layer of life. Well, may be multilayer. Life known and unknown. Dark and bright side of a person, family. I should stop here. There is one important aspect of Americanization is missing; mentality. Open mindedness or broad mindedness. Cleanliness, civic discipline, system, manners and all sorts of etiquettes need to be to be followed too. How convenient we are! We filter out the things that we want. The mentality doesn’t match the outfit. There are exceptions, not to forget and not to deny. The gap is too wide to balance. My friend told me that call centers and Multinational companies are the causes for this influence. Well, this is globalization.

When I make a comment about all these, I was told, rather, I was reminded with a laugh “Don’t forget that you are born and brought up here”. I replied them with the same laugh, “So what?" 

A Gift- The unbearable lightness of Being...

Buying books as gifts is my habit. However, gifting books to all the friends is not always possible.  And it has been a long time since anyone gifted me with one except the one from Marion for my winding up. And all my books carry either my handwriting or my dad's with the name and the date at times the place I purchase.

And three evenings back, for a change, some one presented me with a book signed. My happiness was immense for more than one reason.  "The unbearable lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera. Could it be unbearable when it is light?  In a way, it is. A paradox. Well, life is a paradox in  more than one sense.  "...to think that recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum! What does this mad myth signify?" A Line in the opening para.

It has been few months since I read anything solid. And I should start now with Milen Kundera followed by few more.

Someone asked me why I read. I wanted to ask him back why he is breathing, but I refrained.

On totally different note:  I like the page marker that I took it from The Borders, KL. The wait is Almost over. 

Cry Baby, Cry !

My sisters call me Iron hearted.  I am a "so what?" person. When you watch Tamil movies, you may need a lot of tissues. Sentiments scatterings with rare exceptions. I used to smile at people when they shed tears while watching movies. I was not mean. It has been few years since I watched any Tamil movie.

I received a text “I wanna cry”. I didn't reply. 

Years back, my sister was forcing my little niece to shed tears. She was not mean either. Her point was, if you cry make sure there is tears. However, crying has different magnitudes. It not necessarily means shedding tears. But in most cases, yes. It is a psychological outburst. Outburst of  bottled up emotions. And it is a clear sign of helplessness and inability. You want to do every bit of the something which is bothering you, but you are utterly helpless to do anything.  Inability to do anything.  Anything.  Any single thing. 

Is it ok to cry?

Lot of magazines and talk shows are encouraging people to cry as a therapy, as a relief mechanism.  The belief is it lightens the heart. It may. Personal feelings are staged. And there seems to be no regrets about that. It's another, rather, easier way of getting popular. Well, you are with Oprah, and why not? 

A student of mine used to come to class with puffy eyes and swollen face, almost daily. It was two years before. She said crying every night helps her to distress.  Pathetic. I spoke to her later. 

I was taught not to cry. Osho says it is wrong to teach people not to cry. When you suppress your feelings and emotions, it accumulates bitterness, resentment and sadness. Sadness develops a hollow(not of enlightenment like Budha) around you and drives people away from you. True. However, you can't be crying and letting things out often, can you? Well, take things as they are and accept. Law of acceptance. Shan's advocacy. Yes, you should learn to gulp, swallow things. It makes you stronger. I am not telling you stop doing what you think is your birthright . We all, ALL, including men,cry at different stages of life for different reasons that define the stages, and  the moments of our lives. We cry when we are emotional.  We cry when our emotions are unstable. Attaining emotional equilibrium at all times is a question mark. It is a saintly thing. I am not one, yet. 

The world is mean and cold.  People are ungrateful. Friends are untrustworthy. So what? The world is not coming to end? At least not yours. You be who you are. That defines you and differentiates you from others. 

You still wanna cry? Cry. Its your tears.