Waiting .... .... ....

     I have been waiting and I am waiting.  I am one of the few who hates waiting. I can't wait. I just don't have the important ingredient of waiting,

     It's really irritating to wait. Especially, when you know that the clock is ticking and you can't wait anymore. But, life is like that.  You just have to wait.  Circumstances make you wait. You can't run away from it. And of all the waiting, waiting for bus is the most terrible thing to do.

     I have to wait another at least one hour for the bus to leave the college. Yesterday, I waited for almost two hours to board the bus.  Then I have to wait at least one hour and odd to reach home. (I wish I could just be airlifted to where ever I want to go.)

      It's the environment makes me crazy more than the wait. It is the physical unconducive environment leads to mental discomfort.  It's extremely and sickeningly hot, sultry and sweaty.  I could feel the heat waves. The place where I was sitting yesterday was noisy and suffocating. everything added to the irritation. My evening was spoiled with sever headache followed by tablet, etc., etc., All Nonsense.

      But I was surprised to see people around me don't seem to be bothered at all by the wait nor by the heat. I wonder.

      I wish next time, I could decline the offer of travelling during summer and be comfortable where I am or where ever I am.  Yeah, the pain of waiting can be eased with the company of a good book or with some good music,  but it is not always so.

     I have to wait for the bus, for the days...for the weeks....for the years.....

     Oh!  Waiting for the wait to be over!

A Slave...

As I sat at the corridor waiting to go home, I looked around. There was a bunch of NCC students taking training to get the right co ordination of their posture. (Nobody cares to get the right coordination of mind, body and soul). Straight to where I was sitting was a lady, one of many servants, meticulously working. It was a rainy season and it had been raining since morning. The entire car park was cemented and it was full of rainy water. The floor was uneven.  She was clearing the floor by using sponge. She spread the sponge on the floor, let it soak with water and collected in the bucket. The funny thing was, she knew, I knew, the man who was supervising her knew, and everybody who was watching her knew that she was doing an impossible work, for one good reason. It was still raining and the floor would be filled with more and more water. Her hard work is futile. But she just had to do it. She had to do it because a) she was not given the choice and freedom to tell that her work was a waste of time, b) her boss would be happy to see her busy with some work, c) she would not have any other job if looses this.  Any one of these or all of these. 

And it is not just about the servant. It is about me, about you, about everyone who has to shut our mouth, pretending to be dumbs.  We just do not know why we do many things that we do in our workplace. It's nothing but nonsense. The idea is nonsense, the work is nonsense - (does not make sense), the attitude is nonsense. The attitude of the superior is nonsense. It is so irritating to see a boss whose intention is to make people work in a hard way in spite of the fact that they are aware of the smart way. One such boss told me once, "it's O.k...let them do it...  or else they will be simply sitting". I was shocked at the attitude.  The bossy attitude reminded me of the olden days task master who watched over his slaves at the farm. 

I wonder why do the superiors behave the way they do at all levels (mid and top management)? Aren't they supposed to be leaders in stead of bosses? 

And God, When will I work for an intellectual? 

Paradox

Same Sunday.. Same Sunday schedule. Same solitude(almost). But different. Entirely different. Different in the way the Sundays are spent. Sundays used to be soul filling. Then the soul was last. It was when survival took over soul searching. Survival instinct is stronger. Sad. We forget the essence of life and death. But as long as we remain humans the struggle between soul and survival is inevitable. But do we all realize the existence of soul? The shift from Sundays to soul is unexpected. It happens.
The Sundays were beautiful. Brimmed with happiness and hope.
Today is well spent;. cooking..reading...walking.....exactly the same.way it used to be. However the state of mind that every thing did was different. It is not a question nor a problem if u don't put your mind in it. Conscious of the actions. If you are not conscious of your actions you àre either careless or escape from reality. Things happen in a way that it changes the state of mind. . Things that are not connected to you may get into you and change your perspective. You don't realize the change until it gets you so much so you loose your self. The state of mind is important in order to keep up your self.
The self that does not loose itself will connect with its soul.

Change .....

And again, I am set for another change.  Why would anyone want to change often? or as often as one cannot take? Well, no adventure or any sort of thing but something. And that something will always be there everywhere. But again, that something differs from place to place. Some changes occur with intense desire whereas some happen without our knowledge.

This time, I am in control of the change. Except for the bit of anxitey. I liked the feeling. It was good, more professional. The conversation that was exchanged was also very professional. There was a shock but with understanding. And so the conversation was good.  I am anxious about the future. Everytime you change there are fundamental things that change along with. The unfortunate thing is you cannot be in two places which I very much want to experience.  

Well, for changes to happen there is soemting inevitable should happen. Decision. I believe any decision that you take will influence your future.  You cannot control your desicion nor you can control the impact it may bring. Though it may seem that you are the one you decide, your decision is not yours. The decision that you take is the outcome of your past. Your good and bad experiences and its lessons, pains etc etc. And every decision you make is your choice. But there is no free choice. Its controlled.

There is something awaiting. Something again. I am clear, calm, and tranquility prevails me.

Hope this change is for good.

It's been a long time...!

It's a mixed feeling today.  It's one of the rare moments that I get. A mixed feeling of my existence. Existence of the past and future. And present?  Past and future will recur in the mind when the present is not promising.

The gloomy weather brings gloomy thoughts. The breeze is chill and I smell rain. It should be raining somewhere. My colleague exclaimed,"What a weather in the month of March!" I couldn't exclaim, nor could I think about any thing. I refused to think or to do anything. All I  wanted was to take a walk, long walk. The one such walk I used to take in the past, distance past. I didn't walk for the past two years. Well, I am still alive.  But, there is difference in the way I live. A life with walking and a life without walking. Unfortunately, I am confined with duties and responsibilities. I took a short break from my routine. Its good to listen to your heart once in a while.

The mixed feeling is about the way in which I exit. If existence is mere eating, sleeping and living, then I exist. But usually this is not the case. I exist, but I ceased to exist the way I wanted to exist.  Its the weather takes me back and froth. Eventually I found myself in talking to you. A nice escape from reality. A delve into the past. Visited my old places. See there is the smile! You may be wondering at my bluffing. But wait, it is not bluffing. 

The mixed feeling is about the present and future. A sudden lightening thought engulfed me ever since I started to smell the fresh rain. I never knew there would be a problem in breathing fresh air. May be we are not used to it for sometime! It's been a long time!  I am too lazy to think.

 Its still gloomy outside and I love to walk again. 

Yes, I am stupid ...because you said so!!!

This is the second time that the intellectual side of my ego was deeply hurt. However, I was not in debating mood to challenge the statement and nor am I interested to prove who I am after all these years. There is a point in time where you strive to get better grades in school, and there is another point in your life where you strive to get better job than rest of your friends. Every point in our life there is stage, and we all want to be better than others. 

But there are exceptions. Exception in extreme sides. And of course, being exceptional is and not excuse. Now, the stage that I am referring to was not a level playing stage for me. There were times that I couldn’t even dare to step on it. Well, that was history. 

I strongly condemn our education system which judge a student by the grade and which encourages students to memorize and vomit in exam and get first class or distinction.Creativity,critical thinking, lateral thinking are way too far away from us. The worst part is every parent and student is obsessed in scoring high marks in order to be sold, marketed.  I mean employed. The parents are the one who pass and who fail in the exam.  For them, the tuition fee is an investment. And, Ironically, the so called "I"st class graduates are not “I”st class in other aspects of education! Sorry to say this.

Well, my parent, I mean my father was different. He gave me the freedom, he introduced me to the world, wanted me to acquire knowledge, explore into theories and concepts, ranging from politics to economics or world affairs to religion. Neither I nor my father was not into this rate race. I was offered a free seat in science stream, which would have made me a doctor if I wanted, as kutti always wished.  I didn’t care. Or I didn’t know.  Then, there was too little parental guidance, at least in my case.  Now it is too much. Every single parent is talking about campus-campus interview. Wait, I did not fail in any exam, it is just that I did not get First class in my UG. And so what? The world did not shut its door on me. My result in 
M.Phil was outstanding with 2nd rank in the university. So, am I stupid or intelligent? 

I can quote as many billionaires and intellectuals who did not even attend school. And history remembers them!  The recent announcement by few IT companies that arrears don’t matter in recruitment as long as they are able to communicate in English well means that IT companies are hiring ‘not so intelligent’ graduates?

I am in the constant search of something beyond the “I”st class. Confining me to your first class makes me laugh.Well, I didn’t feel insulted by your statement but most certainly, yes, my intelligence did!

a desire ....

"If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing then the desire is not to write" Hugh Prather.

I found the above line in Amitabh's blog. Yes, Amitabh Bachan. His blog is one of my often read blogs. He is passionate in what he is doing. Blog, for many, is scrambling. For him, like me, its more of talking to oneself. I wanted to be a writer when I started reading Tamil Novels, specifically Balakurmaran. I finished reading all his novels and went on finishing Jayakandan, Vasanthi, Janakiraman, Sivasankarai, Anuradha Ramanan, Sujatha and many more. I used to read until 3 or 4 in the morning and be late for morning house hold duties, got scolding from dad..thats a story by itself.

Reading, a good reading, will somehow end up in writing. Its reactive/reflective reading. You either write in a piece of paper or in your mind. The later in most cases. Its a matter of many things.  You will be surprised to find quite a number of amazing writers- mind writers, like bath room singers. I am yet to acquire the skills; the art of writing and perseverance.

I am surprised to read Amitabh's blog for main two reasons: 1. He writes everyday. 2. The time, he writes even at the late hour of the day. He writes before he sleeps. I can imagine his schedule. Despite his tight schedule he makes it a point to write daily. His command of English and style are truly commendable.

Well, I am not Mr Amitabh. Or any celebrity, who is surrounded by men and money to attend to household or daily routine. I am the man and the woman of my house and I am yet to be blessed with money which attracts people to do things for me. However, my wish to retire as a writer is getting stronger:)

Writing is one of my still-alive dreams, unless I die without writing anything at all. Who knows what life has for you! Many a times I wished to be Keats or Bharathi, who wrote at the very young age and died young. I am guilty of my empty life and I am equally unhappy about its futileness. When you look back, you should have a sense of fulfillment.

I do write, mostly daily in my mind. There are days I can't even think of anything expect the toil of daily life. Mental, physical and spiritual tiredness engulf me recently. I am also, at times afraid, I may die without producing any worth of art. The struggle of survival and the hope of winning over the struggle keep flashing intermittently.

Amen!