What does Mdm.J.Jayalalitha mean to me?

I am trying my very best to disconnect myself from the news. Some sort of despair, fear, shock, sense of loss, engulf me. And I never thought I would write this. But ever since Mdm. J.J was hospitalized, especially these few days, I tend to look at few online sites for updates as often as possible amidst my work. Even after everything is over, I am still keep checking on the news. I could not resist doing that though many times I forced myself to do it. Why does my attention go without me knowing or allowing it?

I don't belong to her party. I am a common man, one of the many simple, unnoticed ordinary citizen who happened to be under the administration of Mdm JJ. Except for her movies (a great admirer) and intelligence, I never watched her, followed her. However, I am surprised to find myself sitting in front of TV for the entire day, I changed my dp, updated my status. I took a walk thinking breathing a fresh air would help me in collecting my conscious back to normality. As I came back, the thoughts or everything I (we) saw on TV about Mdm. J.J dominated the thoughts again. I keep myself engaged in different physical activities hoping to come out of it. But, it is impossible to engage the mind with the current work when the mind is already occupied with something greater than that.

Why do I so much feel depressed and lost? It is not that the theory of subconscious mind inclines to sad news to feed itself, nor, is the fact that the impact of visual is greater, but it is something more and it is difficult to explain the pronoun "something". Her charisma, boldness, will power, persistence, confidence, knowledge, decisiveness and what not? - some of these or all of these attracted people all around the country. She proved to be successful by making people miss her irrespective of political difference. They all feel connected to her because either they shared, with some degree, some of her traits or they wished they could have had it!

This morning, it is being reported that the state is coming back to normality but, yes, normality with a sense of heavy feeling and shock- shock of reality - could she also be no more?

Changing Preferences... Changing Perspectives....

I was in the kitchen getting ready with vegetables for cooking my lunch. I put carrots, beans, lady fingers, white pumpkins and tomatoes into a vessel and put them under the tap for wash. I suddenly realized that how in recent years carrots and tomatoes dominate the most part of the vegetables that I buy, especially carrots. The freshness and the colour immediately get my eyes - a vegetable (few others) that I disliked in my school days! Most of the part of my education was from hostel and my school education was from a Christian Institution. They had their own menu and preferences in vegetables which you may not like (or least I didn't) and I don't know if they still do it. Yet, I do credit my school for many good things I received.

I am surprised at my own changes and  preferences. It is not just carrots or food but many other things. I don't exactly know the point I realized that carrots are good for health and it is good to have colourful food. I don't know when I started preparing colourful sambar (curry) with multicolour vegetables and I don't know when I stopped listening to music that I was once desperate about nor do I realize the last time I enjoyed having lunch alone at work. I don't even realize when was the last time I engaged in a carefree conversation with whoever I encountered.

Whenever I was at home, I used to sleep listening to Illayaraja's melodies and there were times that I kept the radio close to my ear and listen till midnight or early morning until my father had to turn it off with a scolding next morning.  Listening to songs was so irresistible and I don't know how many cassette players I used to buy and record according to genres, singers and other preferences. Now, I am trying to remember the last time that I did any of them, except occasional listening from Jaya Max or while travelling. It is not just listening to Illayaraja but Vivaldi, Mozart or Mariah Carey. However, I do, at times, turn on the radio, but it rarely gets my attention.

I was very jovial, noticeable in my school and college days.  I remember I was the same even in my early career. Now, I speak less, I avoid looking at people so as to avoid talking, I speak only to a close circle of people. I am withdrwan, but I prefer it this way.

I always liked to have my lunch at work alone, alone with the company of a book or my system (but still reading). But in my current work place I allowed myself to eat with few of my colleagues which is not me.

Lot of other things changed, mostly unconsciously.  It is a surprise that our preferences change over time without us realizing. I sometimes think that this may be due to our changing perspectives of life. I don't know. May be. The reasons are unclear and unsure but the change in the preferences brings out the unkonwn 'us' from us. 

Waiting .... .... ....

     I have been waiting and I am waiting.  I am one of the few who hates waiting. I can't wait. I just don't have the important ingredient of waiting,

     It's really irritating to wait. Especially, when you know that the clock is ticking and you can't wait anymore. But, life is like that.  You just have to wait.  Circumstances make you wait. You can't run away from it. And of all the waiting, waiting for bus is the most terrible thing to do.

     I have to wait another at least one hour for the bus to leave the college. Yesterday, I waited for almost two hours to board the bus.  Then I have to wait at least one hour and odd to reach home. (I wish I could just be airlifted to where ever I want to go.)

      It's the environment makes me crazy more than the wait. It is the physical unconducive environment leads to mental discomfort.  It's extremely and sickeningly hot, sultry and sweaty.  I could feel the heat waves. The place where I was sitting yesterday was noisy and suffocating. everything added to the irritation. My evening was spoiled with sever headache followed by tablet, etc., etc., All Nonsense.

      But I was surprised to see people around me don't seem to be bothered at all by the wait nor by the heat. I wonder.

      I wish next time, I could decline the offer of travelling during summer and be comfortable where I am or where ever I am.  Yeah, the pain of waiting can be eased with the company of a good book or with some good music,  but it is not always so.

     I have to wait for the bus, for the days...for the weeks....for the years.....

     Oh!  Waiting for the wait to be over!