Yes, I am stupid ...because you said so!!!

This is the second time that the intellectual side of my ego was deeply hurt. However, I was not in debating mood to challenge the statement and nor am I interested to prove who I am after all these years. There is a point in time where you strive to get better grades in school, and there is another point in your life where you strive to get better job than rest of your friends. Every point in our life there is stage, and we all want to be better than others. 

But there are exceptions. Exception in extreme sides. And of course, being exceptional is and not excuse. Now, the stage that I am referring to was not a level playing stage for me. There were times that I couldn’t even dare to step on it. Well, that was history. 

I strongly condemn our education system which judge a student by the grade and which encourages students to memorize and vomit in exam and get first class or distinction.Creativity,critical thinking, lateral thinking are way too far away from us. The worst part is every parent and student is obsessed in scoring high marks in order to be sold, marketed.  I mean employed. The parents are the one who pass and who fail in the exam.  For them, the tuition fee is an investment. And, Ironically, the so called "I"st class graduates are not “I”st class in other aspects of education! Sorry to say this.

Well, my parent, I mean my father was different. He gave me the freedom, he introduced me to the world, wanted me to acquire knowledge, explore into theories and concepts, ranging from politics to economics or world affairs to religion. Neither I nor my father was not into this rate race. I was offered a free seat in science stream, which would have made me a doctor if I wanted, as kutti always wished.  I didn’t care. Or I didn’t know.  Then, there was too little parental guidance, at least in my case.  Now it is too much. Every single parent is talking about campus-campus interview. Wait, I did not fail in any exam, it is just that I did not get First class in my UG. And so what? The world did not shut its door on me. My result in 
M.Phil was outstanding with 2nd rank in the university. So, am I stupid or intelligent? 

I can quote as many billionaires and intellectuals who did not even attend school. And history remembers them!  The recent announcement by few IT companies that arrears don’t matter in recruitment as long as they are able to communicate in English well means that IT companies are hiring ‘not so intelligent’ graduates?

I am in the constant search of something beyond the “I”st class. Confining me to your first class makes me laugh.Well, I didn’t feel insulted by your statement but most certainly, yes, my intelligence did!

a desire ....

"If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing then the desire is not to write" Hugh Prather.

I found the above line in Amitabh's blog. Yes, Amitabh Bachan. His blog is one of my often read blogs. He is passionate in what he is doing. Blog, for many, is scrambling. For him, like me, its more of talking to oneself. I wanted to be a writer when I started reading Tamil Novels, specifically Balakurmaran. I finished reading all his novels and went on finishing Jayakandan, Vasanthi, Janakiraman, Sivasankarai, Anuradha Ramanan, Sujatha and many more. I used to read until 3 or 4 in the morning and be late for morning house hold duties, got scolding from dad..thats a story by itself.

Reading, a good reading, will somehow end up in writing. Its reactive/reflective reading. You either write in a piece of paper or in your mind. The later in most cases. Its a matter of many things.  You will be surprised to find quite a number of amazing writers- mind writers, like bath room singers. I am yet to acquire the skills; the art of writing and perseverance.

I am surprised to read Amitabh's blog for main two reasons: 1. He writes everyday. 2. The time, he writes even at the late hour of the day. He writes before he sleeps. I can imagine his schedule. Despite his tight schedule he makes it a point to write daily. His command of English and style are truly commendable.

Well, I am not Mr Amitabh. Or any celebrity, who is surrounded by men and money to attend to household or daily routine. I am the man and the woman of my house and I am yet to be blessed with money which attracts people to do things for me. However, my wish to retire as a writer is getting stronger:)

Writing is one of my still-alive dreams, unless I die without writing anything at all. Who knows what life has for you! Many a times I wished to be Keats or Bharathi, who wrote at the very young age and died young. I am guilty of my empty life and I am equally unhappy about its futileness. When you look back, you should have a sense of fulfillment.

I do write, mostly daily in my mind. There are days I can't even think of anything expect the toil of daily life. Mental, physical and spiritual tiredness engulf me recently. I am also, at times afraid, I may die without producing any worth of art. The struggle of survival and the hope of winning over the struggle keep flashing intermittently.

Amen!

The "I"s in me...

"One who feels as he ought to feel, and the who one who feels the opposite". Charles Dickens's state of mind most of his life time. Well, I don't feel the opposite nor do I write negative characters out of the opposite, though I may. Thank God I am not the only one. And there may be few of you who feel the duality of the existence.
This is not a split personality. Nor is this a confused personality. Rather you are different entities living at the same time. The two “I”s are travelling parallel at different planes at different altitudes.

It so happens to ordinary human like me, to ignore the one or the other in the case of not knowing which me is the predominant me. Let us assume the 1st me is materialistic and the 2nd me is non materialistic and you are a person of non material. However you are forced, forced, to live the life of a materialistic man. In this case, I believe, that you ignore the other. To the worse, you might even kill the other. In a long run, you might even forget the other. However, this isn't the case always. The forgotten self may surface at unexpected time for unknown reason. You may end up guilty.

More often I wonder the existence of duality. The study of human mind is deep and vast and coming to a definite conclusion of the self or about its existence is impossible. I have watched people who do not give a damn about mind or about its duality or multiplicity and living a peaceful life. But I always hear a voice; a compelling voice. A voice keeps reminding me that I am meant to do something else from what I have been doing now. How much ever I convince (cheat) myself by telling that things happening now are for good and it is a Divine intervention in my life, the other refuses to accept and I end up having sleepless nights.

Though there is no confusion or question of which "I" is predominant and which one should be predominant, making the wish into reality is tough. And the question is if I would let both "I"s alive or going to kill one for the sake of other.

Let me wait and see. ..