Cry Baby, Cry !

My sisters call me Iron hearted.  I am a "so what?" person. When you watch Tamil movies, you may need a lot of tissues. Sentiments scatterings with rare exceptions. I used to smile at people when they shed tears while watching movies. I was not mean. It has been few years since I watched any Tamil movie.

I received a text “I wanna cry”. I didn't reply. 

Years back, my sister was forcing my little niece to shed tears. She was not mean either. Her point was, if you cry make sure there is tears. However, crying has different magnitudes. It not necessarily means shedding tears. But in most cases, yes. It is a psychological outburst. Outburst of  bottled up emotions. And it is a clear sign of helplessness and inability. You want to do every bit of the something which is bothering you, but you are utterly helpless to do anything.  Inability to do anything.  Anything.  Any single thing. 

Is it ok to cry?

Lot of magazines and talk shows are encouraging people to cry as a therapy, as a relief mechanism.  The belief is it lightens the heart. It may. Personal feelings are staged. And there seems to be no regrets about that. It's another, rather, easier way of getting popular. Well, you are with Oprah, and why not? 

A student of mine used to come to class with puffy eyes and swollen face, almost daily. It was two years before. She said crying every night helps her to distress.  Pathetic. I spoke to her later. 

I was taught not to cry. Osho says it is wrong to teach people not to cry. When you suppress your feelings and emotions, it accumulates bitterness, resentment and sadness. Sadness develops a hollow(not of enlightenment like Budha) around you and drives people away from you. True. However, you can't be crying and letting things out often, can you? Well, take things as they are and accept. Law of acceptance. Shan's advocacy. Yes, you should learn to gulp, swallow things. It makes you stronger. I am not telling you stop doing what you think is your birthright . We all, ALL, including men,cry at different stages of life for different reasons that define the stages, and  the moments of our lives. We cry when we are emotional.  We cry when our emotions are unstable. Attaining emotional equilibrium at all times is a question mark. It is a saintly thing. I am not one, yet. 

The world is mean and cold.  People are ungrateful. Friends are untrustworthy. So what? The world is not coming to end? At least not yours. You be who you are. That defines you and differentiates you from others. 

You still wanna cry? Cry. Its your tears. 

Hope ???

I am in a slightly philosophical mode. Sort of upset. Upset with people. Susan's observation is correct. Well, life revolves around people. If you press the remove button from people, you will find a big hole. Or rather emptiness. The world will come to a stand still. 

I only remember what my colleague asked me few weeks back, "Sentha, Have you ever thought what is the purpose of life?"  "Am I not asking myself for a long time over and over the same question?" the question run through my mind. But I smiled at him. That's all I could do realizing the magnitude of the question. If at all I said something, it would probably be blind leading another blind. I didn't want to do the mistake. 

Life unfolds itself with hope. Thats what Pan commented on my Facebook. Yeah. We go to bed hoping we would wake up next morning. No doubt. We book tickets few months ahead (except people like me) to go wherever we plan to travel hoping that we would be still alive. We plan to study whatever we want to study and we dream to build empires hoping everything would be fine all through our life.  Hope has two sides- also Pan said. Chances are there that we won't wake up next morning in spite of the fact that we have been waking up everyday and in spite of the hope that we would wake up the next day.  We  might not be able to travel and we might not be able to build empires. Probability theory. You toss the coin in hope.  You will know only when the coin touches the ground. Pure luck. 

Life is a trial and error. We need to learn and relearn. If we learn from the previous mistakes, we would be so perfect in everything we do leaving no doubts and questions behind. During our last Toastmasters meeting, somebody said you have to make mistakes in order to learn. Huh? 

I was surprised when Melvin spoke that life is a roller coaster.  I was wondering if he had lived enough  to speak about it. Age is nothing to do with experience. Who knows what he went through in his life?

Once when I was talking to my friend over phone, he said that you should try again and again even if you get upset or hurt. Why would you want to try when you know trying another time brings disappointment again? Kids toss the coin repeatedly when they are unwilling to see the head. And, there is a childish innocence and childish expectation in everyone of us. Every time we toss the coin, we are hoping to see what we want to see. We hold our breath giving full attention to the coin forgetting things around us. What is wrong in that expectation? Don't we all deserve better things every time or every other time? 

Interestingly enough life unfolds itself with a lot of mystery. As my friend said, it is not a mistake. You are not lucky, that's all. It takes time and maturity to accept the luck or the so called fate and wait for your next toss, if you are still okay to be hurt again...

And me? getting colder.....

A Stranger ...

I feel I am stranger in this place. Nothing belongs to me. Nothing knows me.I am so new. I take a deep breath and look around. Nothing is familiar. I feel I don't belong to this place nor to this people. Perplexed. I am wearing a dress which doesn't suit me. Its neither small nor big. It is just not mine. It is not stitched  for me. The colour, the pattern and the style. It doesn't reflect my sense of taste. But why did I put it on? And why I am wearing this so long?

The place is absurd. Everything in here is absurd. It makes no sense. I fail every time I make sense of everything here. It doesn't offer me anything. I can't find anything. It doesn't treasure any valuables. It is a wild forest. I am walking in the wilderness. I should find my way out. I am lost. I don't understand their language. I don't understand anything they say. I need to find my way out. Why I should take a walk here? Why did I come here? I must change my direction. Or can I not walk at all?

As a matter of fact, all these while I managed to exist: co-exist. Part of me did not exist. Or partially existed. Or selectively existed.  Now, I have a sudden desire to exist. Complete existence. Then  co existence?

I am a strange loner. I can't take the absurdities of life. I don't want to. I don't have to.  It is my choice which is made of free will. And no will is free. For there is no action made of free will. I don't want to be conditioned by absurdities. I dislike to be  circumstanced.  I'd rather be a stranger. It is more than being a survivalist. I don't just want to survive. I want to live. Live to the fullest. And, it is not abnormal.

I don't know if they know me.  I don't know if they want to know me. But I know:  I am a perfect stranger in this place.